


Our Life Is Not a Movie or Maybe

by thedeadflag



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Sharing a Bed, Sharing a Room, Side Lostia, Trans Female Character, Transmisogyny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-21 07:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 38,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12452202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedeadflag/pseuds/thedeadflag
Summary: Every year, Anya looks forward to Polis' Comic-Con as an escape from the routine hostility and transmisogyny that have defined most of her teenage years. So when she arrives at the hotel for the Comic-Con weekend to learn she's been booked to share a room with Clarke Griffin, one of the sources of her torment during high school, maybe she's a little upset. And when she learns there's only one bed, well, maybe she's a little furious that her yearly reprieve is slipping through her fingers.Facing down a weekend with an oddly despondent Clarke Griffin, Anya had to hope that she could salvage some semblance of normalcy and distance, but Clarke had other ideas, of course





	1. Chapter 1

"You've got to be kidding me with this, Lexa!" Anya seethed, knowing she was making a bit of a scene, but there was no way she was going to let the injustice stand. "You can't pair me with her!"

Lexa reached out to hug her, or maybe rest a hand on her shoulder, but she stepped away in time to deny the effort. "You know what happened last year. We had to take more rooms and stop cramming everyone into two or three. This is how the draw played out."

"Well the draw was _useless_! How am I going to get any sleep?!" Anya demanded to know, looking at the details of her lodgings.

Lexa had booked her a room with a single queen-sized bed. Most of the others had two beds, but hers only had one, and that created endlessly more problems than rooming her with Clarke Griffin did on its own.

"It's a big bed. You're both eighteen. Maybe it's time to get over your grudge, Anya." Lexa asserted, only stoking the fires inside of her, even if it'd amount to nothing without someone she could take it out on.

"I do not think about Clarke Griffin. I do not _care_ about Clarke Griffin. But I will _not_ sleep in the same bed as her, and you know why!" She countered, bracing herself as Lexa's face contorted in frustration, her cousin taking in a deep breath.

"She's not who she used to be." Lexa insisted, setting her with a firm stare. "And Clarke's had some recent troubles of her own, so be nice. It's _two nights_. Just collapse onto the bed first and stop worrying about it."

If only she could.

Fact was, this convention trip was what she looked forward to the most each year, and now not only did she have to spend a large portion of it with someone she couldn't trust, but her favourite actresses had pulled out last minute due to illness, automatically making it the worst Polis Comic-Con in years.

Luckily, nothing good or important had been planned for Friday evening, so their late-ish arrival hadn't cost them much of anything opportunity-wise. "Just give me my key card, Lexa."

It didn't take long to find her room once she had the card, taking the elevator to the eighth floor and easily finding the fourteenth room. It was as small as expected, with a tiny bathroom that had more of a shower stall than a regulation bathtub, and a main room with a large bed and a dresser and not much else.

Deciding to be a little spiteful, she unpacked most of her things into the top half of the dresser, knowing that when the other vehicles arrived, Clarke would be left with the less convenient drawers. It wasn't much, but it was something of an outlet for her anger, so maybe she felt a little better.

At least until the door opened and Clarke slipped in with her luggage.

"Are we gonna have a problem?" Clarke asked, sounding halfway exhausted as she set her luggage down.

"Are you sleeping on the bed?" Anya shot back.

"Yeah. Obviously." Clarke stated, face twisting a little in confusion.

"Then yeah. I'm setting up in the bathroom." Anya asserted, taking hold of the sheets and yanking them off the bed, figuring if Clarke can have a comfy mattress, then she could at least have the sheets.

"What the f... _okay_ , wait. You and I both know the bathroom floors here are gross and tacky to keep people from slipping. Just...come on. The bed's big." Clarke argued, but there was just no way.

Anya shook her head. "This trip's already a mess for me. Sleeping on the floor won't make it any worse."

At least, she hoped it wouldn't. Her back injury from a few months ago could certainly flare up, but Anya was willing to take that risk.

"I don't understand why you have to be such a child around me. You don't have to like me, but you don't have to sleep on the damn floor. I don't know why you don't like me, maybe I'm not as pretty and perfect as you, but I'm not a damned leper. It's not like I have some infectious disease." Clarke muttered, letting out a frustrated sigh as she blocked entrance to the bathroom, as if Clarke had the right to essentially call her a shallow, vain misogynist and then feel upset about Anya's hostility. "Put the covers back on the damn bed."

"Not happening. Now get out of the way." Anya stepped up, standing firm in Clarke's bubble of personal space, holding eye contact. She'd long since promised she wouldn't hurt Lexa's friends, but she'd promised nothing about intimidation. Even if Clarke smelled really nice, even if she hated putting on an act of fierceness, she had to put up a fight, had to show she took it seriously and was not happy to be sharing space with the girl.

Clarke's deep blue eyes shifted focus across her face, as if searching for an answer to some unspoken question. When Clarke let out a tired sigh, she took it that the girl hadn't found one. "What is wrong with you?" Clarke whispered in disbelief before giving her head a shake. "Just...wait here. I'll be back in a half hour."

Anya barely had time to blink before the door was open and Clarke was marching out.

Whatever Clarke's reasons, Anya felt pretty content with another thirty minutes of solitude. She'd take her wins where she could.

* * *

 

Anya had just started to feel relaxed, splayed out on the mattress, when the door to the hotel room opened again maybe forty-five minutes later. She'd hoped that maybe Clarke had found some other lodgings, but feeling a few large and light objects dropped on her legs stole that calm from her, forcing her to a seated position to defend herself.

Some of that edge fell away once she recognized what Clarke had tossed onto her, even if some of that anger was only replaced with equal parts confusion.

"Sleeping bag and a pillow. Lay down these towels, and you should be able to avoid dealing with the sticky shit." Clarke stated, tired eyes staring right at her, as if challenging her to object to or refuse the offer.

She wouldn't, but she wasn't about to kiss the girl's feet for being half-decent for once. "Fine." She noted, deciding that was all the response she needed to offer. Anya rolled off the bed and picked up the covers, quickly setting them back onto the bed and tucking them in.

"Why are you like this?" Clarke asked, flopping down onto the bed with an exhausted huff.

"Don't ask stupid questions." Anya scoffed, grabbing up the items and heading towards the bathroom.

"I'm serious. Why do you hate me?" Clarke asked, stilling Anya in place at the entrance to her new sleeping quarters for the night.

Honestly, she'd operated under the notion that Clarke was at least self-aware, but maybe that had been expecting too much. "There comes a point where you're responsible for your actions, Clarke. You're bi...you ran the school's GSA. If you can't piece together how you fucked up, then that only damns you more." She answered, feeling a slight bit of tension in her chest as Clarke's face fell, features contorted in a heavy mix of confusion and remorse. She shook her head, hoping but failing to shake off the sensation. "Goodnight, Clarke."

Anya stepped into the bathroom and locked the door behind her, needing to feel safe, needing to create distance, needing to stop making other people's issues her problem, especially when those issues were caused by hurting her. She wouldn't baby Clarke through their shared history. She wouldn't feel bad for pointing out that the other blonde had hurt her. She deserved to be angry and hostile.

Feeling a little better, Anya laid out the towels and created a narrow but decent enough sleeping space to set up her sleeping bag on. It would have been a long night either way, but maybe now it could be a little better.

Didn't mean they were anywhere close to even, but a sleeping bag was better than some thin sheets, and maybe enough to stem some of her anger. Certainly not all, but a little bit.

* * *

 

Anya woke to a sharp pain in her back, the searing sensation stealing any sound from her throat as she rolled onto her side and rode out the wave of agony. Despite her hopes, the minimal cushioning of the towels and sleeping bag couldn't negate the dangers of sleeping on a hard unforgiving surface; Anya waited until she could breathe steadily again before unzipping the sleeping bag and getting to her feet, deciding she had over half a day to figure out her sleeping problem.

A glance at her phone told her it was a little after six, which was less than an hour before she would have gotten up anyways, so she packed everything up again, stashed it on the towel rack, took some Tylenol, and got to washing up in prep for the day.

Freshly showered, Anya wrapped herself in a towel and quietly padded out to the main room to grab some clothes, wishing she'd been mindful enough the previous night to stash some in the bathroom. She was just pushing the top drawer shut when she heard the rustle of sheets behind her.

"Anya? What're you doin' up?" Clarke slurred sleepily, the mattress creaking underneath her as Anya imagined the girl had sat up. "It's still way early."

"Getting breakfast." She answered simply, rolling her eyes as she heard the mattress creak again, bringing her to turn around and spot Clarke trying to get out of bed. " _No_ , you idiot. You were exhausted last night. Get some more sleep, events don't start for another three and a half hours."

"Yeah, well good job with that, dropping a bomb on me last night and all. Barely slept." Clarke grunted, slipping out of bed, staggering on her feet for a moment before she found some semblance of balance. "Besides, I'm hungry."

Anya cursed herself internally for not just staying quiet, getting what she needed, and marching out when she had the chance. "I'm not waiting for you." She shot back, heading back into the bathroom to change as quickly as she could and get a solid tuck into place for at least the first part of the day.

When she emerged from the bathroom, Clarke was there, wearing leggings, an oversized sweater, and sunglasses, hair done up in a messy topknot. How Clarke managed to look stunning while clearly tired as all hell, Anya would never know, but apparently she would have to put up with Griffin for a little while longer.

"Go to the washroom. You don't want to use the one at the diner, sometimes they don't get around to cleaning the previous day's mess before the breakfast rush." Anya spoke, slipping past Clarke and opening the door to their hotel room. She wasn't going to wait, of course she wouldn't, but it was too early in the morning for spite to motivate her into moving faster as she made her way to the elevator, not to mention the ever-present back pain shooting up her spine with each step.

By the time she reached the elevator, she could hear jogging behind her, Clarke joining her inside of it just before the doors went to close.

"So what are we having for breakfast?" Clarke asked, sounding artificially chipper, as if Anya couldn't hear how groggy the girl was.

"You should be in bed." Anya noted as they descended to the main floor, trying to figure out how to handle Griffin tagging along for breakfast, and hoping it wouldn't be as frustrating and aggravating an experience as she expected.

"What are you, my mother? Besides, _you're_ up." Clarke countered quickly, body leaning up against the railing in a way that didn't quite hide the other blonde's exhaustion.

"I'm an early riser. You're known for sleeping in closer to noon when given the opportunity." Anya rolled her eyes at the sleepy girl, thrilled when the elevator door opened and let her out, giving even a shred of possibility that Clarke would elect to wait inside and take it back upstairs.

She had no such luck. "Okay, it's super creepy that you know that." Clarke insisted, the clap of her sandals following Anya out of the hotel.

"You go to the parties Lexa and Costia host. I wake up early, make breakfast, and help with the cleanup. I notice which people sleep in and which don't." Anya explained, rolling her eyes again at the annoyed huff from behind her. "And don't think for a second that I care or am judging you for that. I don't give a crap. I just know you should be asleep, and that you're choosing instead to intrude on my breakfast."

The diner had always been her place to eat in the mornings when Comic-Con came around. Lexa and Costia would usually just grab something at Starbucks, but she kind of liked having a real breakfast, not just a coffee and a bagel like some would get. And since it wasn't the most popular place that early in the morning, she'd more or less have her choice of seating.

Usually, she'd just grab a small table, not wanting to take up much space, but once inside the restaurant's familiar walls, she made her way to a vacant booth, having some hope that the comfier seating could entice Clarke to return to bed after the meal.

Clarke plopped down hard onto the booth seating across from her and shuffled closer to the window, resting her head against it with a sleepy frown. "You know, I'd sleep a lot easier knowing why you hate me."

"And if I have to spell it all out for you, then you wouldn't understand anyways. We don't have to have some cliché heart to heart when it's pretty clear that we're at two different levels here. We don't have to reconcile. It _doesn't matter_." Anya answered, slumping back into her seat, arms crossing her chest.

"It _does_ matter." Clarke asserted, taking off her sunglasses and putting them on their table. "Does it look like I slept last night?"

"So you felt too guilty to sleep. All that tells me is you're really uncomfortable with anyone thinking you might be a bad person. Newsflash, Griffin...you and your friends made people feel like shit _all the time_. Sorry if I don't buy your 'woe is me' act, given you still have no clue despite me _literally_ sitting _right here_." Anya argued, willing her anger to sift back beneath the surface as the waitress approached.

"Hey there, ladies. Can I get you anything to drink to start with this morning?" The waitress asked a little cautiously, handing them both a menu, eyes flitting between her and Clarke as if to gauge if there was any trouble there.

Anya turned her full focus to the waitress, sending her a smile that seemed to ease the woman's slight apprehension. "Orange juice would be lovely, thank you."

"Chocolate milk sounds amazing. I'll have that, please." Clarke added, the waitress writing down the information and heading off, leaving them alone again for the moment. Clarke of course, just couldn't let the issue stand, fixing her focus on Anya again. "That's not fair. I think I'd remember if I said or did something hurtful to Asian women, Anya."

Anya had to fight the urge to face-palm, even if she immediately found herself more frustrated than she had been in some time. "You really need to stop beating around the bush, Griffin. This isn't about race or ethnicity and you know it. Rub some brain cells together for once and think. You made valedictorian, you're capable of basic deductive reasoning." Anya let out in a harsh whisper, feeling a pit form in her stomach at the pained wince Clarke gave at her words, at the way those blue eyes started to shimmer. "Don't you fucking start crying, Clarke."

"I'm just _so tired_. And I don't know. I don't _know_. Like, two years ago, Lexa told me about something lesbophobic that I said, and I haven't said anything like that since, I worked hard to think about it differently and unlearn the bullshit I used to think, so I just...I don't know." Clarke complained, voice cracking as the girl slumped forward against the table.

Anya wasn't sure whether she wanted to just explode and leave this plane of existence, or ream Clarke out over her supreme lack of attention to detail, or just try to work out the mystery of Clarke being so oblivious that she couldn't even think back a few years.

Not wanting to make a scene, and not wanting the situation to escalate even further, knowing full well her weakness for crying people, Anya reached out and took hold of Clarke's nearest hand. She wasn't gentle, she didn't tenderly graze a thumb over Clarke's knuckles or offer any such comforting gesture. No, she knew Clarke was a sucker for physical touch, and so long as she was holding her hand, so long as the potential for affection was so near, she'd have the other girl's attention.

"Take deep breaths. Look at the menu. Find something to eat. Think about all the fun things you and your friends will get up to today. Focus on that. Worry about me later." Anya stated slowly and calmly, annoyed that she was pushed to coddle her a bit, but it'd be worth it if she could still have and enjoy her breakfast in relative peace.

Yet, there was something in Clarke's eyes that told her that maybe she didn't have a full read on the other girl's issues. So when Clarke's head ducked away, maybe she brought out the big guns and let her thumb graze across the top of Clarke's knuckles. Maybe the mix of shock and hope on Clarke's face told her more than she expected.

"Lexa had you room with me for a reason, didn't she?" She asked, a few ideas floating around in her head that she wanted confirmation on before proceeding. She'd definitely need to sit Lexa down for a talk today, but for now, she needed details.

Clarke gave a silent nod, eyes falling shut and leaving a slight ring of wetness around the edges, officially sending Anya's heart into a twisting mess. Whether it was good method acting or legitimate, she couldn't say, but her maternal instincts were already kicking in.

Anya hadn't noticed the waitress approach, so the sight and sound of her orange juice being set down in front of her had her body jolting a little. Clarke, however, didn't even respond, just looking entirely sad and exhausted.

"Are you two ladies ready to order yet, or do you need a little more time?" The waitress, Niylah, asked, concerned eyes shifting between the both of them.

Anya fixed her focus on Clarke for a moment, already knowing her order. "Clarke, do you have an idea of what you want?" She asked, watching and waiting for a response, but Clarke remained silent. The girl had told her she was hungry earlier, so she decided to take her at her word, and use her past knowledge of Clarke to her advantage. In a worst case scenario, Clarke wouldn't like it, and they could stop at the Starbucks on the way back, anyways. Anya turned her focus to the waitress. "Can we get an order of the apple crisp pancakes, the cinnamon bun pancakes, and two fresh fruit cups on the side, please?"

Their waitress offered a nod and hurried off to another table, the morning rush starting up in some form.

"I don't understand...what, are you trying to soften me up? Get me to crack? I thought you didn't want a _heart to heart_." Clarke murmured, her words barely audible above the din of the diner.

Anya scoffed at the assertion. "I don't. But I'm not incapacitated, Clarke...I can tell when someone's hurting. I don't have to like you to want to minimize that, and I know you indulge your sweet tooth when you're feeling down." She answered, knowing some parts were a white lie, but Clarke didn't need to know that crying turned her to putty.

"It's totally unfair that you apparently know _everything_ about me and I know nothing about you." Clarke let out with a frustrated huff, wet eyes finally opening again, even if they didn't meet Anya's.

"I find it hard to believe you haven't picked up something over the years. We've been sharing classes and schools since grade two." Anya noted offhandedly, figuring Clarke was exaggerating out of discomfort, but the immediate degree of wary disbelief on the other girl's face unnerved her and had her wondering if Clarke really was even more oblivious than she thought possible. "You...are aware that we spent elementary together, at least?"

Clarke's eyes narrowed. "I think I would have remembered you."

Anya pulled her hand away from Clarke and leaned back, feeling her mind fall apart bit by bit. "You at least remember when I came out at the end of middle school?"

Clarke recoiled as if stung, and even if the reaction last just a moment, there was a lingering sadness in Clarke's eyes. "I...I spent half of my last year of middle school at home after my father died."

She wanted to smash her face with a waffle iron for forgetting that vital detail of Clarke's history. Usually she didn't flub that hard. "I'm sorry, it slipped my mind, my apologies." Anya offered, earning a quick nod from the other girl.

"Thanks. Anyways, yeah, I didn't catch you when you transferred in. I only saw you in high school." Clarke stated, only furthering Anya's confusion, because she hadn't transferred anywhere.

And yet, it all made a twisted sort of sense, if she considered Clarke's popularity growing up, her relative obscurity, and the potential effects of alcohol consumption. Suddenly, Anya finally had a reason for why Clarke seemed so entirely off the mark, even if it still wasn't excusable. And really, if Lexa truly wanted her to spend time with Clarke, then she begrudgingly would, but Clarke would have to owe her for her openness, and Lexa would have a serious debt to pay. "You definitely saw me before, but yeah, your first time seeing me after I came out was the start of high school. You know, as a trans girl and all."

Clarke's eyes bugged out, a deep red blush tinting her cheeks as her hand fumbled to find her glass of milk.

Anya dug around in her bag and pulled out one of the gag gifts Lexa had given her long ago, pushing the big purple swirly straw across to Clarke. "So you don't spill any." She said dismissively when Clarke shot her a curious stare. "While it's ridiculous that I can mentally recall six times you were explicitly told I was a trans girl, and that information apparently never got digested despite most of the school knowing over the years, it doesn't let you off the hook. Especially since you can probably piece together my issues, or at least some."

"So...wait, you were A..."

"Don't say my deadname. It's a deadname for a reason. But yes, we were paired together in our grade four science fair, among other things." Anya interrupted, perhaps aggressively reminding Clarke of etiquette.

Thankfully, the other blonde looked appropriately remorseful. "Sorry. But... _okay_ , that makes a lot more sense, now that I think about it. I always wondered where you came from, and where the kid I grew up around went. Okay." Clarke noted, nodding absently as the gears of her brain clearly worked away. "It was the Spirit Week stuff I did for the student council, right?"

Anya rolled her eyes, because even if those events sucked, they weren't as hurtful. Not directly, at least. "They were transphobic, the genderbend days, at least. But not what I had in mind." She clarified before taking a long sip of her juice, a satisfied moan escaping her at the perfect balance of tang and sweetness. "Anyways, we can deal with that later. What's going on with you? It has to be something big if Lexa assigned me to you."

"Assigned? You make it sound like a _mission_. She just said that you usually do your own thing at cons, and that if I could tag along that it would be good for me, since your schedules don't really ever align with our usual group's plans." Clarke explained, making the whole weekend roommate situation a lot clearer.

Lexa definitely owed her for this.

"And Lexa told _me_ you were having troubles, and asked me to be nice to you." Anya added, earning a sharp laugh from her counterpart.

"Well, you knocked _that_ out of the park last night and this morning. Way to make me feel welcome." Clarke groused, for decently good reason, even if Anya had been fully justified in her responses.

"Lexa wasn't _explicit_ about it to me, and I have every reason not to be kind. But if she talked to you, and rigged the room draw, then this is all on purpose. I get that now." Anya explained, wishing her cousin and best friend had been clearer about it. She probably would have been a lot angrier before arrival, but she could have at least prepared. "Let me guess, you drove up on your own. You're avoiding your friends over some recent falling-out, but still want a decent weekend because you paid for a pass and the hotel months ago."

Clarke picked up the swirly straw, unwrapped it, and stuck it in her drink. "You're mostly right. Raven's been fast-tracked through high school, so she finished last year and started at MIT one year early. I heard she and Finn broke up because of the distance, Finn told me as much by the start of the school year, and after a little while we started dating. We kept it low-key, not wanting to attract much attention or drama in our senior year...or at least, that's what I thought. Turns out, he was still dating Raven long-distance, and would spend some weekends over in Boston with her."

Anya winced, knowing that couldn't have been an easy revelation to face. "When did you find out?"

"Two weeks ago. Finn's been trying to get me alone to talk to me, but I just...I can't. I can't be the other woman, and I can't hurt Raven, so I'm just trying to get as much distance as I can and pretend Finn and I never happened." Clarke explained before taking a sip of her chocolate milk, a hint of a smile reaching her lips.

"Good call. He's even more of a jackass than I thought he was, you didn't deserve that." Anya admitted, seriously hoping the jackass wouldn't show his face around her that weekend. It'd already been one of the few times she could escape him and his friends relatively easily even when they attended, so the notion of him seeking them out was irritating to say the least.

Clarke tilted her head to the side as she took another sip, eyes twinkling with some mixture of amusement and curiosity. "I think I could get used to this softer side of you."

Anya huffed and took a gulp of her juice. Like hell if she was being soft. Clarke had no idea what soft would look like on her. "Not soft. Just honest. You'll be hearing plenty from me later, but it's neither the time nor the place for that."

Clarke sat back in her booth, hands in the air in mock surrender. "Okay, you're not being _soft_. Though if this isn't it, I'm seriously curious how soft and cuddly you can get."

"It's such a shame you'll never know." Anya shot back, sending a glare Clarke's way, but it didn't even faze the other blonde's growing grin.

"Well, I have an inkling. You _did_ hold my hand..."

"That was to get your attention..."

"...and you brushed your thumb across my knuckles..."

"...which was to save this table from becoming a spectacle since you were on the verge of..."

"...and you gave me a cute little swirly straw and ordered me comfort food."

Anya rolled her eyes, taking another long gulp of her juice. It was a tragedy that Clarke's annoying nature was keeping her from truly savoring the freshly squeezed delicious drink. "That's beside the point. I was hungry, so I put an order in, and you were on edge, so I didn't want you to spill your drink."

"I'm sure." Clarke noted cheerfully, and though her clear sarcasm and exhaustion was written across her face, there was some sincere joy there too, for whatever reason.

Anya's perfectly thought out verbal barb to Clarke's smug behaviour was put on indefinite hold as their waitress returned, setting their respective orders onto the table. "And here we go, is there anything else I can get you two?"

"Can we get another orange juice for the pretty girl?" Clarke requested, her shit-eating grin holding as the waitress laughed and scribbled a quick note on her pad, and try as she might, Anya could not keep her cheeks from burning. She'd always had a weakness to compliments from other women. "Thank you so much."

Anya waited until the waitress was gone before leaning closer, ignoring her delicious pancakes to glare at the girl across from her. "Flattery will get you _nowhere_."

"Good thing I don't have anywhere else to be. But it _will_ apparently get blood rushing to your cheeks. That's _interesting_." Clarke mused as she thankfully turned her focus to her meal. "This looks like it'll put me into a food coma."

"I did tell you that you need to sleep." Anya snarked as she cut up and forked a chunk of delicious pancake.

"You can't just get me pregnant with a food baby and expect me to sleep, Anya." Clarke insisted with a laugh. Anya would have vocally disagreed were she not enjoying her delicious pancakes. She loved a lot of their options, but the apple crisp ones were honestly to die for.

Once she was finished savouring her bite, Anya pointed her fork at Clarke's plate. "Eat up. You can tell me I'm wrong when you're done."

Clarke let out a huff, her cocked eyebrow clearing sending the signal that she wasn't going to be undone by breakfast food. Still, when Clarke took a bite of her pancakes, eyes fluttering shut and a content moan rumbling in her throat, Anya knew there was hope yet.

Or, well, at least that she'd get to finish her meal without much more trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Transmisogyny, transmisogynistic slur, sexual harassment, physical assault, mention of off-screen sexual assault

"I'm just saying..." Clarke argued, a yawn breaking up her statement. "...I mean, that food was _delicious_. I'm making an excuse to come back soon."

Anya rolled her eyes and led her sluggish tagalong back towards the hotel. "Good for you, Griffin. There's always tomorrow morning. I suggest stopping by sometime after the breakfast rush ends at nine."

"Pshh. You can't avoid me that easy." Clarke shot back with a laugh as they entered the hotel lobby. "Besides, breakfast is always better with company."

She hastened her pace towards the elevator, knowing she'd spent too much time around Clarke already. Even if Lexa might want them rooming together, Anya couldn't spend every waking moment with Clarke attached to her hip. "Who knows what tomorrow brings?" She noted, getting in a vacant elevator, practically punching the button to their floor as Clarke meandered over to the railing and slumped against it, letting out another yawn into the back of her hand.

"Yeah, yeah, so you say. Wait and see, Anya." Clarke mused, eyes slipping shut as they ascended.

It was all Anya could do not to sigh, wondering what fantasy Clarke was concocting in her imagination. Sleepy minds did tend towards the adventurous.

Thankfully, the elevator doors opened seconds later, letting her make her exit down the hall, Clarke falling sluggishly in pursuit. By the time Clarke caught up, she was seated at the side of the bed, checking her phone messages.

"You...you need to slow down, woman." Clarke let out with a huff, fighting for her breath as she strode to the bed. Anya patted the space beside her, waiting for Clarke to predictably take a seat before pushing her over. "Hey!"

"Time for that food coma to kick in. I'll come get you when it's time to get up." Anya asserted, cocking an eyebrow at the downed girl. "Get some rest."

Anya was halfway to the door when Clarke called out after her. "Anya!" Her name was tired and strained as it spilled from Clarke's lips and spread through the room. "Anya, I can't sleep. Not until I know."

There she stood, the hotel room door maybe six or seven feet away, knowing she could leave and hang with Lexa for a while instead of laying it all out there. Sure, she wanted to get it over with, she wanted to take that burden off her shoulders, but at the same time, it'd make her vulnerable, detailing exactly how Clarke had hurt her.

Clarke hadn't earned those details or that sort of intimate trust, but at the same time, it was tiring holding onto those memories and feelings, bearing their complete weight. Still, she didn't have to let Clarke see the full scope. Maybe just the basic details, the facts.

Anya took a deep breath, counting up to five and back down before turning on her heel, talking slow deliberate steps until she stood at the end of the bed, Clarke blearily gazing at her from the headboard she sat up against.

"After I came out, I found I didn't have a lot of friends. We live in a polite enough area that most refused to speak bluntly about me, but most of my friends just vanished overnight. Lexa was the only one who stayed, Costia was still more of an acquaintance until later in first year, and I met one new friend in Nyko. He was big, burly...intimidating, maybe, if you didn't know him. He was genderfluid, and was comfortable in that even if it wasn't a hugely widespread bit of knowledge. He was the only friend I had who could relate to me like that, and I was his only friend like that. In the second half of grade nine, Bellamy Blake and his friends decided to torment him." Anya started, taking a second or two breather to tamp down on her emotions, those old memories still feeling fresh in her mind.

"They'd taunt him, mock and insult him, make up lies about him. Blake would get his friend Murphy to attack him. Nyko was big, but he was a gentle giant, he wouldn't hurt a fly. Wasn't in him to even look at anyone the wrong way. School did nothing, especially given all the complaints Blake and Murphy filed against him. His parents weren't supportive so they did nothing, but we had each other." She continued, that burning feeling in her gut only growing with each word.

"Anya..."

"And then _you_ went to the principal with a complaint that he _sexually_ _harassed_ you. Of course, _boys will be boys_ , so they let Bellamy and Murphy's aggressions against Nyko fly, but someone they thought was a 'boy' harassing a girl? A pretty blonde girl whose mother donated a good chunk of the school's extracurricular budget? Well, they couldn't have _that_." Anya continued louder, not wanting Clarke to try to speak over or interrupt her again. "And I know Bellamy came to you asking for a _favor_. I heard the tail end of his little speech to you about how Nyko creeped him, Murphy, and the rest of the guys out and was a perv. And that you going to the principal would help everyone out, and that he'd _owe_ you. But you didn't even hesitate...you didn't even speak to Nyko. You didn't know him, and you sure as hell didn't pay attention to the daily bullshit those assholes put him through. You were a _good little girl_ and did what Blake wanted you to do, and Nyko got expelled. And then his family moved across the country. We both lost our only trans friend, we were both isolated because of you."

Anya held her glare at Clarke, refusing to feel any semblance of emotion over how Clarke's eyes welled with tears. No, she'd be strong, holding her hand up and lifting a finger. "That's the _first_ transphobic fuck-up."

"I didn't know, Anya. I...I was just a _kid_ , I..." Clarke started, voice thick and strained, but the way it tugged at Anya's heartstrings only made her angry. Clarke didn't deserve that reaction.

"So was _he_. So was _I_. You were old enough to know better. You'd already started towards establishing a GSA for the next school year. Of course, it also didn't help that in your GSA, you let some of those so-called 'allies' in, like Bellamy. And Finn, who literally knew I'm trans and repeatedly mocked and insulted me over it in the halls, not to mention whenever he and others could get away with it in class. Not to mention the times he'd grab at me in the halls. Here's a fun fact...Lexa only started going to your GSA meetings because Costia dragged her to it, and she only became your friend because she wanted you to have some non-toxic people in the group in hopes of eventually creating a safer environment. Which didn't work, but it was a valiant effort on her part." Anya continued, blood pumping and body on edge as soon as Clarke postured up midway through her spiel.

"Okay, I get you hate Bell and Finn and the guys, but they're better now. They've changed. The GSA helped make them better people." Clarke argued, and while her words were entirely ridiculous and had Anya laughing, just the notion that Clarke believed them wholeheartedly stung her enough to bring tears to her eyes.

Anya shook her head, trying to control her fury, her rage, her anguish, but she knew some of what she felt was leaking out of her as she placed her hands on the bedposts. "So when they paid Ontari _two hundred dollars_ last year to date me long enough to grab some clothes of mine and some candid nudes...you're saying they were changed men? When they passed the pictures around between their friends and the rest of the school? How about when they gave one of my stolen dresses to Finn to wear in the student's council assembly...an assembly that _you_ organized and planned out, by the way...in a blatant act of mocking me and reducing me to a man in a dress? During an assembly with mandatory fucking attendance...you're telling me they were _better people_?"

She'd honestly hoped to feel some satisfaction as Clarke's composure crumbled away to nothing, the girl reduced to a crying, confused mess. That she felt absolutely nothing in the way of relief only had her own tears threatening to spill over in the frustration of it all. If venting couldn't make her feel better, then what good was it?

"And don't give me shit about you not knowing I was trans. The jokes were blatantly transmisogynistic, Finn's character was named goddamned 'Asia', it doesn't take a genius to know who, or at least what _kind_ of people he was targeting. And besides, you clapped along with all the rest of the crowd, and praised their antics as if they hadn't taken a baseball bat to my dignity." Anya seethed, grabbing her phone and setting an alarm for later that morning. "Not to mention your segue to the next skit, the whole _'speaking about mysteries down under'_ shit when you lead into Ontari's act? That's some cissexist bullshit, straight from the source."

" _Anya_...I...I..."

"Shut up, Clarke! You... _look_ , there's a bunch of other smaller shit, like the genderbend days that were total transphobic horseshit, but you...you were supposed to be one of the _good_ ones! You helmed the GSA and you took the side of our fucking abusers, you couldn't even tell that your friends were hellishly homophobic and transphobic! Hell, you enabled them whenever they needed it, and you couldn't see anything wrong with what you did." She ranted, setting her phone down on the dresser across from the bed, taking a deep breath or two to calm herself, at least temporarily, before things got out of hand. Her emotions were already spiraling out, so she needed to end it.

"Maybe you're not a monster like Bellamy, Murphy, Ontari, or Finn, but you dated two of the three guys, and you unleashed them whenever they asked, so what does that say about you as not just our school's LGBT rep, but as a human being? And you helped them out with hurting me and others like me whenever the opportunity came up, so yeah, Clarke. _Of course_ I don't want to share a damned bed with you, I can hardly stand being in the same _room_ as you." She finished, shaking her head as she marched off and out of the room, ignoring Clarke's heaving breaths and avoiding another glance at her.

Her composure fell away piece by piece with every step closer to her destination, leaving her barely holding it together by the time she gave her standard triple-rap at Lexa's door.

She couldn't see who answered the door for the tears in her eyes, but she didn't have to when the aroma of Costia's usual jasmine and green apple moisturizer washed over her, her friend's arms wrapping around her and shuffling her inside.

"It's gonna be alright, baby girl. Whatever happened, we've got you." Costia softly whispered as Anya let out her grief into Costia's neck, sobs coming out hard and fast, heart twisting in agony.

"Let's get her over here where it's comfier." Lexa added, another pair of arms guiding them deeper into the room, eventually helping sit Anya down on the bed. "I'm sorry, Anya. Whatever I hoped would happen, it wasn't this."

Anya shook her head as she slumped back against the pillows, fighting to steady her breathing as Lexa and Costia settled in at her sides. "I...I told her. About ev... _everything_." She let out, white-knuckling the covers. "And nothing changed. It still hurts the same. Still _burns_ the same."

"I'm sorry, honey. Is there anything we can do?" Costia asked, backs of her fingers grazing Anya's cheek.

"I can switch places with you tonight. You can sleep here with Cos." Lexa offered, but as much as that idea sounded wonderful, she couldn't be that selfish.

"No, no. This is your last full weekend together before Costia leaves for her internship out west. You'll barely see each other before you meet back up at University...no, you two sleep here. I refuse to split you up." Anya asserted, giving her head a slight shake before wiping at her eyes. "I'm sorry, I just...it sucks _so much_. Carrying this around for so long and then...nothing. Goddamn _nothing_."

Anya didn't resist when Lexa rolled her onto her side, arms slipping around her waist as her cousin shuffled in behind her. "I wish I could make it better."

Even if all her venting hadn't resulted in a drop of relief, even if her heart still felt so damn heavy, there was always something nice about being close with Lexa. And Costia, ever so affectionate with a kiss to her forehead, always made her feel a little warmer.

And maybe it wasn't what she wanted, or what she needed, but it was enough to lessen the ache, at least for a little while.

Anya would accept that any day.

* * *

 

Twelve paces behind. Enough to keep sight of her companion for the day, but enough to stay out of Anya's way.

It was a wonder she'd been able to even nap after the brutal takedown earlier in their hotel room. She'd underestimated her impact, having long since tired of Anya's hostility, but as it turned out, she was deserving of it all.

_Hell, I deserved a lot worse than that_...Clarke mused as she checked out some fan art in the marketplace. It was a mystery why Anya even bothered to collect her and let her tag along.

It'd been a good, solid day full of panels, seminars, autograph signings, and occasional trips by the marketplace between the slots of their planned schedule. She'd only really been interested in three things that day, two of which Anya had ensured they attended, and the third was later that evening, so she had absolutely zero complaints, often finding the events she followed Anya into surprisingly interesting. Compared to the previous year's breakneck pace she and the others set, she was having a relatively relaxing time, even considering the guilt and awkwardness between her and Anya.

Which, really, felt like terrible acid reflux, burning up her throat any time she considered talking, lingering as a deep-seated pit of nauseous remorse whenever Anya looked her way or was within touching distance.

Clarke glanced to her left, where Anya was seemingly haggling with some comic book artist. It was hard to even glance at the girl, knowing what she'd done, knowing the pain she'd caused. Knowing how badly she'd let down not just her people, but all LGBT people of her school. She'd tried to be the good guy, but definitely fell far from the goal, given all Anya had told her. It'd been her job to provide safety and acceptance for others like herself, and she'd not only failed, but hadn't seen the harm her friends had caused, and in turn ended up prioritizing them as allies over the other students who needed her help and acceptance the most.

Her body had been wracked with a hurricane of emotions, but her brain had been in overdrive, trying to remember the past few years and all her decisions, all the things she said or did that might have hurt someone.

People she'd considered her friends, as flawed as she understood them to be, had led the charge in heinous acts, using her support to make things happen, and that made her sick to her stomach. How she'd been incapable of seeing the truth of their intentions, Clarke wasn't sure, but there was nothing but sincerity and anguish in Anya's eyes earlier. There was no reason to doubt her truth.

And that was a harrowing reality, leading her to scour her long term memory for much of the morning, at least until her physical exhaustion was matched by her emotional exhaustion, finally forcing her into a brief slumber.

Too brief, certainly, and she felt like a bit of a zombie, but it was hardly as if she could look forward to the end of the day. It was hard to imagine feeling worthy of sleeping on the bed when Anya had taken the bathroom floor the previous night and messed up her back in the process. Anya deserved the bed, but Clarke knew she couldn't fall asleep on the floor, if her mind would allow her sleep at all.

Which left her with precious few options, but she at least had the rest of the evening to figure that out.

_At least I won't come away from today empty-handed..._ she mused, stashing an interesting looking fan graphic novel she'd purchased into her bag.

She was backing away when she bumped into someone. The market being busy, she turned and lifted a hand. "Sorry, I didn't mean..." She started, voice catching at the sight of Finn, standing there shooting her his usual sly grin.

"You know you're a hard girl to track down." He said, smile growing broader as Clarke glanced around, not spotting anyone else she knew except Anya. Which might have been a relief in another situation, but she was really pulling for Raven to be nearby to give her an easy out.

"Maybe it's because I've been a secret for so long that I just blend in now." Clarke sniped back, slipping past Finn and making her way towards Anya, who was much deeper into the market by now. "Go away, Finn."

Even with the din of the marketplace, she could still hear his usual tromping. "Come on, we need to talk about _us_ , Clarke."

"There is no ' _us_ '. There never was. Besides, you're here with your girlfriend, Finn." Clarke let out, holding back a frustrated groan at how packed the place was, making it harder to make a clean getaway.

"Raven's at a panel right now. And you know I love you, you know there's something here between us, something _special_." Finn argued, only motivating Clarke to push her way through a particularly dense part of the crowd.

"A pretty special _lie_ , maybe. You need to..." Clarke countered, charging forward, hoping to put some distance between them, but a firm hand over her wrist stopped her dead in her tracks. "Finn, let go of me!"

"Not until we talk!" Finn yelled, squeezing harder when Clarke tried to pull her arm free, sending a ripple of pain up her arm. "Clarke!"

She winced at the volume of his voice, at the deep ache throbbing at her wrist. She could sense dozens of eyes on her as she pulled at her arm again, his hand not offering any give. "Let go!"

"Listen to her, Collins. I've called security, they'll be here soon." She heard Anya call out, breaking through the crowd, stepping in between them, her fingernails digging into Finn's hand. "Let go of her."

"This has nothing to do with you." He grit out, nostrils flaring as he stared her down.

Thankfully, he finally released his grip a second or two later, giving his hand a shake, but Clarke could hardly focus on that with Anya cradling her wrist with both hands, warm amber eyes full of concern as Anya met her gaze. "Are you okay?"

"I am now." She answered easily, before she really gave her words much thought. Still, Anya's relieved smile was worth it. "Let's get out of here. That panel you wanted to see starts soon."

"You can't just ignore me, Clarke!" Finn yelled as she ushered Anya away, his heavy footsteps following them down the aisle. "I love you, and you're choosing the _shemale_ over me?!"

Clarke spun on her heel, thrusting a finger at Finn's chest as she glared up at him, aghast that he'd out someone like that, that he confirmed Anya's earlier assertions about his transmisogyny. "You're disgusting, how dare you! And Anya's a woman, she's female! Just because you're a raging transmisogynist doesn't mean I have to be!" She yelled, giving him a slight push. "And how fucking misogynistic are you to lie to me and start dating me when you've already got a loving girlfriend? Raven is _amazing_ , and she loves you for whatever fucking reason, but _three days_ after she moves to Boston, you're _hitting_ on me, you gross misogynistic asshole!" Clarke ranted, letting out a sigh of relief as one of the con's security guards approached.

"Is there a problem here?" The guard asked, her eyes flicking between the three of them with caution and concern.

Clarke stepped closer to her and lifted her already bruising, swollen wrist. "He wouldn't let go of me, and he outed my friend over there when she tried to help me get away." She spoke, firm and quiet, holding the older woman's gaze.

The security guard looked at Anya, and then at some of the people nearby that had gathered. Clarke wasn't sure what the woman saw, but apparently it was enough, the security guard crossing the distance to Finn and removing his lanyard pass to the con. "Do either of you ladies want to press charges? I can have the police over here in a few minutes if you'd like."

Clarke looked to Anya, who gave a small shake of her head. "No thanks. We just...we just want him gone."

"Clarke, you can't just do this!" Finn pleaded, but his ugliness was clear as day.

She heard the guard detail something about him being escorted off the premises, but her focus was more on Anya, realizing that her focus had been on Finn and the guard after Anya was outed, rather than Anya herself. "I'm so sorry, are you okay? This is all my fault, it's just I was so angry, and I didn't mean to talk over you or ignore what that must have..."

"Clarke, I'll be fine." Anya interrupted, not looking entirely calm or alright, but still offering a smile nonetheless, even if it was clearly forced. "It's...it's never okay. Hearing that slur...being outed. Even if I'm already out back home, it's nice to blend in for a weekend and not worry so much, but still, it's...I've been through this before. I know how to handle it, it's nothing new from him. I'll be fine."

Still, Anya did look shaken, even a little distressed, so maybe Clarke kept close to Anya on their way to the panel. Maybe she sat a tiny bit closer for the event, and for the rest of the seated events that evening.

Even if she wasn't ideal company, she didn't want Anya to be alone.

* * *

 

Anya made her way down the hotel hallway as slowly as she could reasonably manage, not really looking forward to what waited for her inside. There was only so much of Lexa and Costia's alone time that she felt comfortable encroaching on while keeping the day's mishaps from them, which had her finally heading back to her room around quarter after eleven, hoping that Clarke was already asleep after such a turbulent day.

Not that her own had been a cakewalk, but Anya knew how to compartmentalize well enough. She was out back home, she was used to that, but Comic-Con was one weekend a year that she could just be Anya, the girl that loves sci-fi, combat choreography, fluffy lesbian romances, and whose crushes on Freema Agyeman and Bridget Regan could be considered a little over the top.

It was a big part of why she loved these weekends away, knowing that she could exist outside of being defined by her trans experiences. For a few days a year, she could be defined by other areas of her existence. It was a freeing feeling that she loved, and now even that was tainted.

Of course, she had University coming up, where she could be selective about who she disclosed to, but if she was open about herself there, she might have to find a new place to be free. Maybe she'd have to find the time and coin to get to San Diego's Comic-Con rather than the one in Polis, but she'd cross that bridge when she got there.

For now, she was tired as hell and ready to hit the hay as soon as she got a shower.

Of course, her short term plans had to be dashed as soon as she made them, the bathroom door closed and the shower running. Anya let out a huff and made a beeline for the bed, flopping onto it and avoiding the open laptop.

It was the closest to a comfortable rest she'd likely get that weekend, even if just for a few minutes, so she'd take it. Besides, the hotel stocked pillows were exactly her type, not too firm and not too squishy.

Wanting a more comfortable position, Anya rolled onto her back, stacking two pillows and propping her head onto them, allowing a content hum to escape. That hum tilted upward in curiosity as she focused on the laptop screen, more the fact that she recognized the website that was open, and could see a notepad file was open that had paragraphs of notes.

With her rather agile feet, she took hold of the laptop and brought it up, settling it on her lap as she checked the site and the browser tabs, finding they were all resources and pages she tended to refer people to for education on how to be an ally to trans folks, to help people understand what being trans was. It was a good first step, Clarke being proactive and not immediately riddling her with questions when there were plenty of pre-written resources online already to start with.

Still, if Clarke wanted to do research, Anya could make sure that she covered all her bases. It only took a few minutes to add a few more tabs to Clarke's browser, filling in the holes in her research just in case the girl wouldn't eventually stumble upon them on her own.

Once finished, she put the laptop back where she found it, deciding to enjoy the remaining time alone while she could, just breathing in the quiet solitude, letting it calm her as she relaxed.

After sleeping on a hard floor, it was so easy to just sink into the mattress and let the world fade away.

So very easy.

* * *

 

Anya's eyes fluttered open, a sharp sound from her left echoing in her mind as she gathered her bearings. It was dark, which was a distinct change from before. And she could feel the weight of the sheets folded over her body, unlike before when she'd been relaxing on the bed. She squinted towards the end of the bed, not seeing Clarke's laptop; being a very light sleeper, she would have woken up if it'd fallen off the bed.

All three bits of evidence led to the notion that Clarke had come out of the shower, caught her sleeping, and did what was possible to make her comfortable. Which posed the question of where Clarke was right now.

Carefully, she ambled out of bed and padded towards the bathroom, ears picking up a slight whimper.

"Clarke?" She asked, pressing a palm to the bathroom door, not needing to listen hard to hear the rusting of the sleeping bag's nylon shell. "Clarke, what are you doing?"

"Sleeping." Clarke muttered from the other side of the door. "Go back to bed."

Anya let out a sigh, not understanding how Clarke's memory was so short. "I told you, I don't have to like someone to not want them to hurt. You're injured, Clarke. Get out of there, you're sleeping on the bed."

"I got the bed last night. Your turn." Clarke grumbled, more rustling a sign of her probably shifting around trying to find a more comfortable position. Anya knew it was a fruitless effort.

"That's funny, because I had something else in mind. You're sleeping in _my bag_." Anya insisted, hearing the scoff clearly from through the door.

"What, _this_ _deathtrap_? You hurt your back sleeping in this last night. No way." Clarke countered quickly, and Anya couldn't help but grin, knowing Clarke walked right into her trap.

Anya stepped back, leaning against the wall opposite the door. "So you admit it's a shitty place to sleep. Difference is, you're hurt and I'm not. So please, come on out."

"You know that's not happening." Clarke shot back. "I refuse to...I _can't_..."

The fear and guilt in Clarke's voice were palpable, and even in her post-slumber haze, Anya could put two and two together.  "For fuck's sake, Clarke." Anya let out with a sigh, walking back to the door, leaning her forehead against it. The last thing she wanted was goddamn cis guilt, a useless, selfish response that helped exactly no one. "You _hurt_ me. You hurt any other possible trans people in our school. But you don't get to self-flagellate, no one wants a pound of flesh from you, so stop making yourself an unwanted martyr, stop making this about your feelings, and _get out here_."

She listened as the sleeping bag rustled some more, a pained grunt following soon after. Anya took a step back and crossed her arms in anticipation, cocking her eyebrow as Clarke slipped out, head hung. She had a sharp-witted remark on the tip of her tongue ready to be slung out, but a single sniffle stole the words from existence, cluing Anya into the slightly trembling shoulders, the hand nursing Clarke's injured wrist, the hitched breathing.

Anya didn't have time to defend herself from her annoying maternal instincts, her hand reaching out, fingertips under Clarke's chin lifting her head enough to see her tear-streaked face.

"Shit..." Anya muttered, internally continuing to curse herself as her chest and neck strained with emotion. She could never quite say no to women or girls who cried. "Come here, let's get you settled."

Clarke shook her head, breaths coming out ragged. "I'm so...so..."

She surprised herself with how quickly she wrapped Clarke up and ushered her closer to the bed, Clarke clinging to her. "Shhhhh, I know. I know." She whispered, slowly maneuvering the both of them to the side of the bed, her hand combing through Clarke's hair repeatedly. "I need you to listen to me closely, okay?"

Clarke just cried, but by the slightly tighter grip, she knew the girl was listening. "You can't make it better. I...I yelled at you earlier, and I hoped it'd make it all feel a little better to let go, but it _didn't_. Nothing will. So just...don't even try, because you _can't_. You can't." She stated, a firm whisper at Clarke's ear. "But you can be better. And I don't need your tears for that, Clarke, I just need you to learn how not to hurt us. How to be safe for us. And I need that thing in your chest to keep you in check, because we're not always gonna be there to guide you."

"I will. I...I can do it. I _promise_." Clarke answered, still decipherable enough despite crying into her shoulder.

Anya let out a huff, knowing it was a start. Clarke, at least, had a track record of improving, given Lexa's past incident with her. This was a bigger ordeal, but Clarke was stubborn and decently empathetic. She had to hope that Clarke would keep her word.

"Okay, then. That brings me to my second thing." Anya noted, reaching a hand over, needing stretch a bit to turn the bedside lamp on. "Sit down and let me see your wrist, Clarke."

"You're not sleeping in the deathtrap, Anya!" Clarke protested alongside an angry huff, attempting to change topics, something she'd soon find wasn't so easy with her.

"Fine, I won't." She countered, quickly taking advantage of Clarke's surprise and slackened grip to guide the girl down onto the side of the bed. "Your wrist."

Clarke averted her gaze off towards the exit, but pushed through her reluctance a few seconds later, lifting up her injured arm, the lamplight revealing deep, painful looking bruising. "It's not a big deal. I just keep rolling onto it. I move around in my sleep a lot."

Anya stared down at the mottled, purple bruising, and then back at Clarke's gleaming, cerulean eyes, knowing she had the power to stop the pain, at least for tonight. At least to a manageable level.

It was a little scary, and it wouldn't be pleasant, but she could do it. It's what Lexa would want.

"Let me get a bottle of water for you. How long has it been since you took something for the pain?" She asked, holding Clarke's gaze as the girl cocked her head to the side, brow furrowing slightly as her lips curled into a frown.

"A few hours. My pills are in the bathroom. Why?" She could feel Clarke's eyes on her as she dug in her luggage for a bottle of water. It was room temperature, but it'd do.

A few seconds later, she was back at the bed with Clarke's medication and water. "Take some." She said, handing the items to Clarke, who just stared up at her like a confused puppy.

"You're not sleeping in the bathroom." The girl insisted slowly, downing two pills and chasing it with water.

Anya let out a sigh, climbing onto the bed and crawling past Clarke. "I know. I'll sleep on the bed. We can set up a median between us to keep you from rolling around much. Or..."

She let her voice trail off long enough for Clarke to peer over her shoulder curiously. "Or?"

Anya let out a huff, rolling her eyes when Clarke angled herself down onto the bed beside her, a weird sort of hope in her wet eyes. And maybe Anya couldn't help but wipe some of the residual wetness from Clarke's face. "Or I hold you tonight. I don't really move in my sleep, so I'd keep you from hurting your wrist. And you'd owe me breakfast. And lunch. And something else to be determined."

Clarke's teeth sunk into and pulled at her lower lip, those blue eyes turning all soft on her. A reaction she might have expected if she'd offered it without condition. "I choose the option two. Breakfast at the diner?" Clarke asked quietly, earning an easy nod, because duh, she'd made her plans clear earlier. "Always better with company."

She ignored the call-back to their previous conversation and got up from the bed, moving to the dresser for something to sleep in, since going to bed in jeans wasn't advisable. "Settle in, I just need to change." She noted, grabbing some shorts and a camisole and heading to the bathroom.

Anya quickly went to the washroom, changed and cleaned up, applied a bit of moisturizer, downed a splash of water, and headed back out. Clarke had straightened out the covers and turned out the lights, but even in the dark, she could see Clarke tracking her movement as she got to the bed.

"What's more comfy for you?" Anya asked as she slipped under the covers. "Curling up in front of me, or against me on my back, or me curled up with you on your back, or spooning? Your call."

Clarke shot her a sheepish smile as she reached back and turned off the lights. "I just don't want to wake up from pain, so...whatever's the lowest risk. Probably spooning."

"Fair enough." Anya noted softly, waiting for Clarke to roll onto her side before scooting closer and slipping one arm under the girl's waist, holding her close there. Carefully, she reached her other hand over, trailing it up Clarke's injured arm until her palm was resting over the back of Clarke's hand, knitting theirs together and pulling it in to nestle against Clarke's chest. "Is this okay?"

"I sort of kick a lot in my sleep." Clarke mumbled hesitantly, sounding on edge, as if Anya would retract her offer of aid.

Without much thought, Anya flung a leg over Clarke's and tangled them up a bit more thoroughly, knowing she could sleep in any position so it didn't really matter. Still, the feel of her bare leg smoothing over Clarke's was something she had to purge to the back of her mind lest it keep her awake all night or haunt her dreams.

"Better?" She asked before letting out a yawn into Clarke's neck, the girl's body heat already sending her drifting towards slumber. She'd never needed long to zonk out.

"It is. Anya...thank you." Clarke whispered, but Anya could barely focus enough to parse the words with any real timeliness, not with a sleepy, comfortable haze descending upon her quickly.

She nuzzled her nose into her bedmate's neck and let out a sigh, settling her body in for the rest of the night. "Mmmn 'ts fine, dear. G'night."

Something niggled at her brain, feeling something was a little off, but she couldn't remember what. Warm, cozy, and exhausted, Anya decided to just leave that potential problem for the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

Clarke Griffin had never been the deepest sleeper. It was an unfortunate aspect of her life, given how much she loved quality uninterrupted sleep. So when Anya's leg shifted across her thigh, the girl letting out a quiet but audible yawn against her neck, Clarke drifted out of slumber far earlier than she'd prefer.

It wasn't a particularly happy moment, having always preferred sleeping in, but as she sobered up, she realized a few things. The first was that she'd woken up in essentially the exact same position she fell asleep in, which never happened, ever. On top of that, she was cozy; usually, she ran cool outside her torso, her circulation nothing to write home about, but every part of her was warm and comfortable.

In retrospect, she still didn't regret her attempt at sleeping in the bathroom, given it had been the right thing to do at the time, but she couldn't help but be thankful and a bit optimistic over how the night had ended. 

 _I didn't earn this...this was purely because of my wrist..._ Clarke mused, peeking down at their knit hands. _But I will earn it. She put her trust in me, and I won't let her down..._

Of course, that didn't mean she couldn't do a little teasing. Anya had flamed out so quickly last night, and in the midst of her half-asleep state, had called her something that might have made her smile. Might have warmed her heart a bit. Might have been evidence of just how soft Anya could really be.

And maybe she hadn't earned or deserved that either, and she certainly wouldn't make fun of Anya over it, but maybe she could return the favour. After all, Anya had been kind of adorable yesterday at the diner when she'd flirted even a tiny bit with her. Maybe there wouldn't be any harm in escalating that a bit to see what happens.

Anya airing out a happy sleepy hum had Clarke relaxing in her arms, finding it curious how Anya's hold of her grew a little more secure by the second.

Or, at least until a nose grazed down the back of her neck, Anya freezing still a moment afterwards. " _Shit_..." Anya muttered quietly, letting out a sigh before removing her hand from Clarke's to run a thumb down her cheek. "Clarke...Clarke, it's time to get up."

Clarke feigned waking up, letting out a small grunt and stretching her body out. "Mmmmh, comfy."

"I know, but I need to shower, and I don't want you rolling onto your wrist, so you need to wake up." Anya explained patiently, lightly smacking her cheek after a few long seconds of Clarke not moving an inch. "Good morning, Clarke."

Happy that Anya made an attempt at a polite greeting, Clarke sluggishly turned onto her back, which was absolutely a mistake. With the sunlight streaming in through the window, Anya looked like an angel with how soft and warm her eyes were, and how the sunlight lit up her bed-head fly-aways into a golden halo.

She swallowed hard, throat grating from the lack of moisture. "Good morning, Anya." She offered, unable to keep from reaching up a hand to brush a frizzy lock or two out of her face. The slight widening of Anya's eyes, the pink tint to her cheeks, it all had Clarke feeling curious. "I'll be fine while you get all clean and fresh."

"Yeah, well... _okay_. Good. Great." Anya let out in a stammer, gaze turning to the window as she nodded to herself. "I won't be long."

Anya was off the bed like a bat out of hell, quickly rummaging through the dresser for a change of clothes.

"It's supposed to be really hot and humid today. Just an FYI." Clarke said, watching Anya go still for a moment before swapping her jeans for something else and rushing into the bathroom.

Clarke didn't hold back her smile as she got up off the bed, slowly padding over to the dresser to grab her laptop and something to change into. Something appropriate for the weather, of course. It _was_ a solid walk to the diner, after all. And driving back home with the windows down didn't lend itself to air conditioning.

It wasn't as if it was a crime to show some more skin than usual so her body could stay cool.  If it could help her figure out Anya a little better, then that would be a bonus. For now, she'd do some more studying before they left.

* * *

 

"I'm not telling you what I'm ordering until I get in and see the menu. They make changes daily." Anya insisted as they strolled towards the diner.

Clarke rolled her eyes and lightly bumped shoulders with Anya as they neared the entrance. "I'm just saying, we're hungry, and if we can order soon, we can enjoy our meal before it gets too wild in there. Can I at least get you an orange juice?"

"I suppose that'd be alright, you are paying for breakfast and all." Anya conceded, shooting Clarke a curious look when she opened the door and gestured for Anya to enter first. "What are you up to?"

"Hey, I just want to have a nice breakfast." Clarke answered, following Anya inside and glancing around, quickly spotting Costia, who was waving them over. "Come on, let's join the lovebirds."

It was an interesting thing, taking hold of Anya's hand and dragging her across the diner. For one, Anya offered just enough resistance to make it clear that she was following out of obligation, probably to Lexa and Costia, but the girl's grip of her hand was secure enough that Anya didn't seem to mind the contact.

It was interesting.

"Anya! Clarke! Come join us, we just got seated!" Costia called out as they neared their booth, Costia moving sides to sit by Lexa, letting Anya and Clarke slip into the other side.

Clarke could see Lexa measuring her up as she got into the booth after Anya. It wasn't often that Lexa visibly scrutinized her, and it had her wondering just what Anya told her about yesterday.

"You two sleep well?" Anya asked, earning an immediate smile from Costia, and at least temporarily pulling Lexa's focus.

"We did. After ducking out of the ball early last night, and you making Cos promise not to read in bed, we're pretty well rested." Lexa answered, turning her focus back to Clarke. "Which of you slept in the bathroom this time?"

Clarke opened her mouth to answer, but Anya was quicker off the draw. "Neither." The single word had even Lexa looking a little nervous in her surprise. "Clarke is a restless sleeper, she moved around a lot and kept reinjuring her wrist."

"Reinjuring? What happened?" Costia asked, leaning forward on her elbows.

Figuring there was no point in hiding it, Clarke rested her forearm on the table, eliciting a gasp from Costia, Lexa staring intensely at the bruise. "Finn tracked me down and...he really wanted to talk to me. But I can deal, and it doesn't hurt much unless I touch it. The worst is he outed Anya in the market. Thankfully, security kicked him out of the con for the weekend."

"I'm fine." Anya added immediately, lifting a hand to still any comment from their friends. "I'm fine, you know I can handle myself. Point is, Clarke's wrist is injured, and she needed to sleep still last night. She showed willingness to learn and be better, enough for me to feel alright helping. It's not a big deal, even if you do owe me for this weekend, Lexa."

"I'll cover your breakfast, if that will make for a good start." Lexa offered, and though it would have let her off the hook, Clarke couldn't allow for that, knowing she did owe Anya, and that she had to honour Anya's conditions to earn her trust.

"I'm already covering her meals today. It was part of the deal we struck last night." Clarke explained, expecting Lexa to maybe question her more on that, but strangely, Lexa just narrowed her eyes at Anya, staring at her like a puzzle to be solved. It was a little peculiar, and had Clarke shifting her own focus, resting a hand on Anya's shoulder. "Which begs the question...can I buy you a drink?"

Anya rolled her eyes, but that telltale blush was back, lighting up her cheeks as Anya intently studied the diner menu. "You remember what I like."

Clarke had a playful retort on standby, but their waitress arrived out of nowhere, coincidentally the same one that had served her and Anya yesterday. She waited patiently as Niylah took Costia and Lexa's drink orders, both predictably getting water, and lit up when the waitress turned to her.

"Can I get an apple juice, please?" She asked, earning a quick nod as Niylah jotted the order down. "And can I add an orange juice for the pretty girl here? Thank you."

Niylah just grinned as she finished her note. "I'll be back with your drinks in a few."

"I told you, flattery will get you _nowhere_ , Clarke." Anya noted, though a tiny bit less sternly than yesterday. Hell, there was maybe half the conviction this time around, which was an interesting change.

"Well, good thing I'm right where I want to be." Clarke shot back with a smile before turning her focus to a visibly perplexed Costia. "The pancakes here are _so good_."

Costia's dark eyes held on her as seconds ticked past, Anya and Lexa talking about something to do with waffles, but it was hard to focus with Cos peering into her soul like that. It was almost a relief when Costia got out of the booth, at least until Clarke realized her intent.

"I need to hit up the ladies room. Care to join me, Clarke?" Costia asked, all chipper and with her sunny disposition on full display, though the lack of real mirth in her eyes let her know it wasn't a request.

More than a little reluctant, she slipped out of the booth and followed Costia through the diner to the smallish two-stall washroom, one that had seen better days but was at least in alright shape given how early in the day it was.

As Costia touched up on her makeup, Clarke settled in beside the sinks, waiting for whatever throw-down Costia had in mind, trying to figure out what she'd done to piss off the other girl. She'd only been on the receiving end of Cos' interrogations once before, and it hadn't been a fun experience, so maybe she was feeling a little tense amidst her deep confusion.

"Oh, cheer up. I'm not going to gut you." Her friend said, breaking the ice as she re-applied her mascara. "I just need to know your intentions."

The cogs in her brain were working overtime, but she still couldn't understand what Costia was getting at. "Intentions?"

"With Anya." Costia countered smoothly, providing a context that had Clarke doubly confused, since she was just being playful, and as far as she knew, Anya had made it pretty clear that she wasn't enthusiastic about the prospect of establishing a friendship between them, so a relationship would be beyond the possibility of discussion. "You see, Anya helped us come out. We leaned on her hard in grade nine, and she was there every step of the way. She sat my parents down...my considerably intimidating parents, so Lexa says...and educated them for hours on end, over weeks, so we wouldn't have to. She's who I go to when I can't talk to Lexa about something. She's Lexa's cousin, but she's practically a sister to me. So I need to know your intentions."

Clarke nodded along to the info dump, surprised and proud that Anya had taken on that sort of challenge for her friends, but she couldn't help but focus on the whole 'intentions' bit. _Anya came out to me as a trans woman...and she did date Ontari in that sham relationship, so she's at least bi, but definitely scared off of women who have hurt her. I mean, that'd just make sense...so is Costia just asking if I'm trying to be her friend? But these sorts of talks don't really happen with that kind of thing, do they? Or maybe they do..._

Uncertain, Clarke decided to just try to pull for more information. "I'm not here to hurt anyone, Cos."

Costia stashed her mascara back into her bag and turned towards her. "But you might, anyways. Anya deserves the world, and you...you'd have a long road ahead of you if you wanted her to trust you enough to have that kind of a relationship. She deserves someone who cares for her, appreciates her...someone who will be safe for her, someone who will do everything in their power not to hurt her. Anya's a pretty serious person, and she'd need someone who would take her seriously, who would take bonding with her seriously."

Still lacking enough details to get a pinpoint on what Costia was specifically on about Clarke just nodded. "I understand. You won't get any arguments on that from me."

" _Good_. Because this is just...it's a real one-eighty, Clarke. You go from someone who hurt her and didn't see her, didn't support her...to someone who's _flirting_ with her?" Costia let out with a confused huff, those dark eyes boring into her skull so intensely that Clarke could feel herself sweating under the scrutiny. "She's always had a soft spot for you, even if reluctantly, but now you're...you're _hitting_ on her, and she deserves to have someone treat her like that, and be cute with her, and kiss her, and hold her. She deserves someone who could love her one day. But _you_? I need to know if you're capable of being that kind of person to her. If you are, then I want to be there to help make that happen...lord knows you could both use someone good in your lives. But if you don't think you're capable of being what Anya needs, then I need you to step the fuck off and leave her alone, because I won't tolerate her being hurt again. I won't tolerate you _playing_ with her like Ontari did, Clarke."

Clarke knew that with every second of silence that passed, she got closer to some danger threshold with Costia, but she needed to think. Costia knew so much more about Anya, so if she thought Clarke was a potential partner, then Anya was definitely into women and hadn't just been experimenting. Not to mention Anya's supposed soft spot for her, which was a dizzying concept. All of that cast a clearer light on Anya's reactions over the weekend, but it wasn't so simple.

Guilt was a dangerous thing, and Clarke wasn't sure to what degree her guilt was influencing her thoughts and feelings towards Anya, and she needed to figure that out soon. Anya didn't deserve someone flirting with her and finding interest in her out of misplaced guilt.

But at the same time, it was fun to flirt with her. It was fun to see her blush and to tease her a little and get her smiling. It felt good, and she wanted to do it again, she wanted to touch Anya, she wanted to make Anya feel good. Pretty girls who were interested in girls were kind of rare, but even past that, she'd known Anya for a long time, it turned out. She knew Anya was serious but kind. She knew Anya was smart and thoughtful.

Anya wasn't a game to her. She'd wanted to earn her trust, her forgiveness, her friendship, absolutely. But with this new revelation, she did find herself interested in the possibility of something more intimate.

"You're right...it's new. It's a big shift in direction for me and her." Clarke started, earning a slow nod from Costia. "But...I'm not playing with her. I have some things to figure out...I don't want to dive in headfirst for the wrong reasons, so I'm taking it slow, with little stuff, _light_ stuff. But if I can figure this out...and if she's remotely interested in me, which isn't close to a sure thing, or even a _probable_ thing...then...then, yeah. I know I can be that kind of person. I like her, and I don't want to hurt her again."

Costia held her gaze for a few moments before slumped back against the sink and letting out a sigh that ached with relief. "Good. _Good_." Her friend smiled wider with each word, a strange twinkle in her eye. "I think I have a plan for later today..."

* * *

 

"So what's that about?" Lexa's voice snapped Anya out of her thoughts, drawing her attention from where Costia and Clarke had disappeared. "Was she _flirting_ with you?"

The question was, of course, patently absurd. Clarke had gone the last few years not having noticed her, not having had a positive outlook on her. It made absolutely zero sense for Clarke to suddenly be flirting with her for any reason outside of social discomfort, given their confrontation yesterday and Clarke's tendency to guilt-trip and martyr herself. She'd made it clear that she refused Clarke's guilt, so Clarke was just struggling to find another way to exist around her.

It was only logical. And given Clarke's tendency to keep people on their toes, and her past efforts to keep Anya off balance, some empty flirting fit the bill as a way to achieve some sense of normalcy.

Anya leveled her cousin with her best flat, unimpressed stare. "It's meaningless. She's just awkward around me now and resorts to little jokes, it's not a big deal."

"And the whole agreement to buy your meals?" Lexa continued, cocking that annoying eyebrow of hers, those green eyes searching for some sort of physical response that she totally definitely wouldn't have. Not when thinking of Clarke, at least.

"Part of the deal for me to sleep in the same bed as her. I help her not injure herself, she pays for my food. This weekend's been a mess anyways, so saving a bit of money to put towards next year's food budget just makes sense." She explained, thankful that there was an easy enough answer for that question.

"Does _she_ know that?" Lexa countered quickly, rolling her eyes when Anya leveled a glare her way. "I'm just saying, she's flirting with you. She's paying for your meals. She snuggled with you in bed."

"That was just because of her injury! And it wasn't _snuggling_! Sure, we spooned but it was to keep her from moving and hurting herself!" Anya whispered harshly, though Lexa didn't seem even slightly remorseful for what she was insinuating.

Lexa held eye contact with her for an uncomfortable amount of time, Anya's body itching under her scrutiny. "In the spirit of avoiding an annoying back and forth that will waste the little time we have alone, I need to ask...what if she _did_ like you, hypothetically speaking?"

"She _doesn't_." Anya insisted, shaking her head at the absurd idea. Of course Clarke wasn't into her like that, the girl just liked keeping her off balance.

"Let's say she does for this hypothetical situation. What then?" Lexa pushed, still not making any sense, but at least Anya knew an easy answer or two to that.

Of course, it didn't mean those easy answers were easy to vocalize, but still. Maybe she needed to take a deep breath or two so that she could keep distance from entertaining the absurd fantasy. "Then she works to prove she'd be safe enough to date. From there, who knows? She's smart, driven, passionate. She's gorgeous. We both know these things. We don't know it'd make us compatible. Besides, she's moving to University at the end of the summer."

"She'll be at Columbia, not far from NYU." Lexa stated, which was news to Anya, but still.

"That's nearly the length of Manhattan, still. Anyways, it doesn't matter, because she's not into me. Drop it." Anya pressed, pointing her forefinger at Lexa when her cousin opened her mouth. " _Drop it_. You already owe me for this weekend. Don't add to your debt by trying to play cupid."

Lexa let out a lengthy exhale, teeth nibbling at the corner of her lower lip. "You know I don't mean to."

"I know you don't." Anya conceded, having a whole host of past intrusive incidents to pull from involving one or both of Lexa and Costia trying to make her happy. They always meant well, even if their attempts rarely ended up as planned.

"It's just I want you to be happy. I want you to have what I have." Lexa admitted, offering her a tired shrug.

"I know you do, Lexa. I get it. No one flirts with me, so it's...well, _you know_. But it's not real. I'd only hurt myself if I bought into a lie, if I let myself enjoy it, so I don't, and that's _okay_. Someday, I'll meet someone who's good to me, someone worthy of me, who I'll connect with like that, but today's not that day. Clarke's just awkward around me, she needs the distraction until she figures out how to exist near me after everything, that's it." She explained, feeling fortunate that she could spot Costia and Clarke approaching. Digging deeper into her insecurities over her desirability wouldn't be great for her morale, knowing the only girl who'd ever shown interest in her had faked it for a prank. "It's not a big deal. I'm fine."

Of course, fine was relative. And maybe she was stretching the truth, but she didn't want Lexa to have any leverage. Sure, she liked Clarke's playful remarks and everything well enough, she just aggressively considered them a performance. She could like a performance, she could be entertained a little, so long as she knew it wasn't real.

And it wasn't. Even if it was, it was Clarke, the girl who needed to take more steps forward to be trusted with that sort of thing. If she admitted that much was remotely possible, Lexa would have played cupid and helped Clarke take those steps, and it would have caused a regrettable mess, one that would be much better avoided.

Lexa raised her hands in mock surrender earning curious stares from Costia and Clarke. "Hey babe, what'd we miss?" Clarke asked, shifting so close that their thighs touched, bringing yet another blush to Anya's cheeks.

Her cousin raised her hand to her mouth and made a zipping motion, earning a groan from Costia, who reached up and tugged at Lexa's cheeks. "My baby, she'll never speak again..."

Anya rolled her eyes at their antics, Lexa feebly swatting at Costia's hands, the latter halfway tackling Lexa and trying to prod her into opening her mouth.

"They're kind of adorable." Clarke noted, and Anya would have nodded if Clarke's hand hadn't lifted up to gently stroke from the base of her skull down her neck and back up again. It was paralyzing, this fuzzy, blissful sensation rolling like a gentle wave down her spine and rendering her motionless.  It was all she could do just to keep breathing. "So, what are you getting for breakfast? Same as yesterday? Something different? Or do you want me to pick something out?"

Anya's mouth moved to speak, but words wouldn't come so easily, needing a few extra seconds to even form a single word. "Strawberry."

"Ooooh, _tasty_. The most expensive pancakes on the menu, too! But I don't mind, I'll be your sugar mama for the day, baby girl." Clarke offered with a laugh, because of course it was a joke. It was all a joke, she had to keep focused on that instead of the warm ache in her chest, no matter how good any of it might have felt. "You okay with me ordering for you again, or..."

Anya willed herself into the slightest nod, Clarke's happy hum letting her know the girl noticed.

Thankfully, Niylah showed up soon after, stilling Clarke's hand against her neck. "Okay, here's your drinks. Waters...apple juice...and orange juice." Their waitress noted, handing out their respective beverages. "Are you all gonna need some more time with the menus?"

"We're good. You two?" Lexa asked, drawing nods from her and Clarke. "Okay, can we get the sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast burrito, and an order of pecan pancakes, please?"

 Niylah scribbled down the order and turned her focus to Clarke. "And you ladies?"

"May I have the French toast with strawberries, hold the butter? Also, a fruit cup and a blueberry muffin? And for this beauty, can we get some strawberry pancakes, please?" Clarke asked, immediately resuming her neck massage as their waitress took down their order.

"Sounds great. It's nice to see you two again, you're all a nice break from all the straight couples we get here. I'll be back with your orders soon." Niylah said before turning away, and if Anya wasn't already blushing from Clarke's ministrations, her cheeks would have been in full bloom.

As it was, Anya wasn't sure if she wanted to die of mortification or just slip into a blissful haze until Clarke eventually stopped needing a distraction.

 She hoped Lexa wouldn't tease her too much about it.

* * *

 

"There's no way. I love Wonder Woman, but she's not invincible." Clarke argued as she stuck a fork into a peach chunk, finding it inexplicable that Anya chose this as her hill to die on.

"No, but she could take Superman in a fight.  He always holds back his powers to a ridiculous degree, and it always gets him in trouble. Unlike him, Diana's willing to kill if she needs to. If this was her versus Martian Manhunter, that might be a different story, but she can take the man of steel." Anya argued, and while Clarke disagreed, it was kind of cute to see Anya like this.

Conversation split soon after their meals arrived, and Clarke had found herself engaging in a spirited discussion with Anya about a number of TV shows and, now, comics. And in the past forty minutes, she learned a surprising amount of things about the girl beside her.

For one, Anya loved the scrappy, drag-out fighters in most things. The kind of characters that could take a hit and keep on ticking, the kind defined by their perseverance, even if she did have a soft spot for Wonder Woman, who was nearly invincible. Not that Wonder Woman didn't have her share of major scraps, close calls, and moments of sacrifice, obviously, so Anya had a thing for hard work, a strong moral compass, and achieving victory from endurance. That said a lot about her relationship with commitment and honour, and the strength Anya looked for in herself and others.

On top of that, Anya apparently loved science fiction. She loved the idea of a future that was so bright and advanced that so much of the world's suffering would be obsolete and nullified, but also loved more modern sci-fi full of real world dilemmas and ideological quandaries waiting to be confronted. She had a love for cheesy sci-fi shows like Babylon 5, and adored just about anything with quality character development tossed in, especially since it was a small cast. For all her qualms about Firefly's civil war parallels and influences, Anya couldn't help but enjoy the family that formed on the ship, and all of that told her everything she needed to know about Anya's goals on that front. By her best guess from the new information and their past experiences, Anya was an optimist when she could afford to be, a nurturing teacher when she needed to be, and a practical woman with a loyal, fiercely protective streak all other times.

Costia had shaken her back in the washroom with talks of relationships, but as she sat there chatting, she could see it. Clearer and clearer, she found herself connecting with and seeing Anya for who she was, and she liked what she saw.

Even if she was a total goober that chose Wonder Woman over pretty much anyone else, regardless of logic or rationale.

"Okay, babe, I hear you. How about we agree to disagree?" Clarke asked, shoveling her strawberries onto Anya's plate.

Anya stared hard at the newfound collection of fruit on her plate. "Is this a bribe?"

"Give me more credit than that, buttercup. No, I ordered the French toast with strawberries because you asked for strawberries. Got myself a muffin and a fruit cup to compensate, I was just waiting for you to finish your pancakes."

Anya recoiled, swallowing hard once, twice. "B... _buttercup_? Are you kidding me?"

"Of course not. I take nicknames really seriously. Everyone needs a good nickname." She insisted, shooting Anya a cheeky smile, which only seemed to have Anya blushing harder.

Red looked great on her, so Clarke couldn't complain, even as Anya feigned complete annoyance and indignation. "I can hardly imagine a world where buttercup is your first choice for a nickname. Are you kidding me right now?"

Clarke lifted her hands in surrender and laughed. "Hey, don't blame me. _You're_ the one that burst the dam." She said, cocking her eyebrow when Anya just stared at her in complete confusion. "You called me _dear_ last night before you flamed out. Fair is fair, pookie."

"I just..." Anya started, only to shake her head and mow down on a forkful of strawberries.

She glanced across the table, catching Costia and Lexa on the verge of laughter as they looked on at Anya. "Okay, okay. I'll shelf pookie for now, but I've gotta keep thinking. You can't go without one, sugar."

"Not sugar. _No_. My dad calls my mom that, just... _no_." Anya insisted, fixing Clarke with an exasperated stare. "Why don't I just pull back whatever I said last night when I was half asleep, and we can just...not?"

Clarke shook her head and grinned at Anya. "No can do. All my friends have one. Lexa's the commander, Costia's...well, Cos. Simple enough. You need one, too, cupcake. "

Anya let out a huff and stabbed her fork through the last of her strawberry pieces. "Not that."

"Hrm, not much left on my shortlist. What do you think about honey bunny? No?" She asked, letting out a thoughtful hum at Anya's clear disapproval. With some hesitation, she leaned over, her lips an inch from Anya's ear. "I could always go with the classics. Beautiful...gorgeous? Or maybe princess?"

It was the slightest movement, Anya ducking her head forward, that had her grinning in victory. "Good choice."

"Shut up, Clarke." Anya mumbled, hardly showing any real resistance, which was all the evidence she needed to confirm her choice.

"Alright, I'll behave." She conceded, impaling another peach chunk and lifting it up. "Peach for a peach?"

Anya cast a quick glare across the table at Costia's laughter, Lexa barely able to contain her own. "Quiet!" Anya whispered before turning back to her. " _Clarke_..."

"You're pretty when you blush, that's all I'm saying." She clarified, bringing her fork closer to Anya's mouth. "I mean, I could eat the rest of my fruit cup, it's not a big deal, I just thought that you might like it, since you ate all the peaches first yesterday when you got one."

"You...you noticed that?" Anya asked quietly as she stared at the peach, features twisting in confusion. Eventually, Anya angled forward and took the peach chunk into her mouth, letting out a quiet, happy hum.

Clarke shrugged. "When I want to, I can pay pretty close attention to detail. I figure you like peaches."

"Oh, she does." Lexa chimed in, grinning. "Outside of strawberries, they're her favourite."

Clarke set her fork down and brought her hand to the back of Anya's neck, resuming the massage she'd done earlier, having gotten a vague sense of comfort from Anya the last time around. "Well, I make a mean peach cobbler.  I'll be sure to bring one by sometime."

"That sounds like a great idea, Clarke. It's good that you two are getting to know each other better, and I think we can help a bit with that." Costia stated with a chipper smile, making Clarke think Costia's unnamed plan of action was coming into play.

Lexa nodded in agreement. "Cos and I are going to stick around Polis for an extra day, so we were wondering if you could drive Anya home as a favour for us?"

She'd expected about two dozen other different plans, but couldn't help but find this one very appealing. A five hour drive home with Anya in the passenger seat? Yeah, she could do that. Clarke turned her gaze to Anya, looking for some reaction, but Anya was just staring forward, eyes half-lidded, breath steady with her mouth slightly agape.

"Well, uh...Anya? What do you think?" She asked, hesitantly, not wanting to shoehorn Anya into a decision she wasn't comfortable with.

"Clarke, honey, you need to stop with the whole neck rubbing thing if you want an answer from her." Costia interjected, stilling Clarke's hand as she tried to process her friend's words. It wasn't as if a neck rub was some intense experience that shifted someone to another plane of existence or anything. She just figured Anya might like it, that it might make her more comfortable.

Still, as one, two, three seconds passed, she watched Anya's expression clear up, the girl's focus sharpening as she took a hard swallow. "I, uh, can you repeat that? Sorry."

Deciding for once to bypass an opportunity to tease the girl, she just lifted a hand and tilted Anya's face towards her. "Lexa and Costia are sticking around town for another day. I was wondering if you wanted a ride home with me later?"

"Oh, uh..." Anya stammered, glancing at Lexa and Costia. " _Yeah_. You two deserve more time with each other. Okay."

"Yeah? You're gonna ride shotgun with me?" Clarke asked, earning a slow nod from Anya that had her heart racing with excitement. "Well, that's the cherry on top of a surprisingly good weekend."

Anya let out a scoff, even as her lips spread into a smile. "Still plenty of daylight left today."

"So there is." She conceded, twirling a lock of Anya's hair around her finger.

It was hard not to flirt now. Desperately hard, and she didn't have the willpower to keep herself from continuing when Anya would be so cute about it every single time. Not when Anya was so pretty when she blushed, not when she was more and more endearing every minute she spent with her.

And now she'd have the trip home with her.

Clarke hoped her weekend would only get better.


	4. Chapter 4

There was a stuffed elcor.

Anya had seen a few in the past, mostly tiny ones, but this one was big, or at least big enough to hug. It looked like Calyn, the Elcor ambassador from the first Mass Effect, only with bigger, cuter eyes. She was spellbound, standing a few feet from the stall selling it.

It would be childish to buy it, of course. She was eighteen, much too old for merchandise like that, at least in terms of social acceptability. It would be a frivolous purchase, sixty-five dollars for a plushie that, while seemingly very well made and detailed, would serve very little purpose and would push her over her budget. Not to mention that his bulk would only encumber them, having already loaded their luggage into Clarke's SUV. The trunk was full already, and it wouldn't feel right asking to put some purchases in the backseat.

It just wasn't meant to be.

_With palpable sadness: I apologize, I cannot take you with me, my friend..._ She mused to herself with a shake of her head.

With a heavy sigh and one last longing glance at Calyn, she turned and made her way through the market empty-handed as usual. She already had her photos with Morena Baccarin and Ali Hillis, and that would have to be enough.

"Hey, you not getting anything?" Clarke was suddenly there, directly at her side, carrying a large plastic bag full of various purchases. "We're leaving after the screenwriting panel coming up, so I guess this is effectively last call."

Anya looked back into the market at the various vendors she'd been checking out for the past half hour, and nodded, making peace with her decision. "I'm good. Have you gotten all you were looking for?"

There was a strange shine in Clarke's eye, if just for a moment, but Anya dismissed it as Clarke just laughed. "Are you _kidding_? Nah, I've got one or two things left. I just wanted to check in, since I'll have to haul my stuff over to my car and then rush back in time for the panel, and I didn't want you to think I ditched you if I'm a few seconds late."

Anya smiled, feeling a little relief that she hadn't succumbed to her impulses. If Clarke would be storing extra things in the backseat, then it was good that Anya wasn't cluttering up the area with her own things. It was for the best.

"I'll wait by the conference room doors for you." She offered, startling a little when Clarke lifted a hand up to rest at the back of her neck, thankfully not moving lest she be reduced to a puddle by one of the market entrances.

"Sure thing, princess. Save a seat for me, will you?" Clarke grinned, all the amusement in the world twinkling in her eyes, and then as quick as she came, she was gone, vanishing into the crowds, leaving her breathless and blushing, frustrated at how the other girl would constantly bring up those silly pet names.

Not that she hated that one. She didn't, not really. It was just frustrating, because the reaction it elicited from her wasn't really earned.  And it was maybe a little embarrassing to be called it in public, but among strangers, that hardly mattered.

She might have to talk to Clarke about the neck thing later, given Costia's unfortunate slip in telling the girl how it affected her.  It wasn't super serious, but she did have to make it clear that just because something might make her body freeze up and her mind pleasantly hazy, doesn't mean that Clarke was free to do it to her whenever.  Among friends who she trusted, that wasn't really an issue. If it was just the two of them, well, that would change things.

As relatively pleasant as Clarke had been all day long, for as much effort she put into note-taking at the earlier panel on LGBT equality in media, she hadn't earned that level of vulnerability from her. Not yet, at least, which was still a big step up from before the weekend when she would have pegged that notion as impossible for Clarke to earn.

Anya liked the small signs of growth that she saw, even if they came saddled with frustrating levels of teasing and playful banter that made her heart swell more than she was currently comfortable with.

She hoped that maybe by the end of the summer, Clarke would have improved enough for her to consider the girl a friend.

That certainly would be a wild turn of events, all things considered.

* * *

 

Anya leaned up against Clarke's SUV, Lexa mirroring her position a foot to her side, both staring off toward the convention center and Costia respectively.  It'd been a long weekend. Maybe not a great one, or even a good one, but it was memorable enough. That much, she could be certain of.

"So, any fancy plans for you and Cos for the rest of your time here?" Anya asked, turning her gaze to her cousin.

"We have a dinner reservation at seven, and there's a club she wants to go to, and knows someone who can get us in for the monthly LGBT night. I can't imagine it'll be very busy, since it's a Sunday, but I know we'll have a good time." Lexa smiled, watching Clarke and Costia discuss something rather animatedly.

"You'll be dancing with Costia...you'll be ecstatic." Anya chimed in, drawing an easy laugh from her best friend.

"True enough. What about you?" Lexa asked, shifting her attention, curious green eyes boring into her skull.

Anya wasn't sure what she meant, but something in her eyes said Lexa wasn't talking about what kind of sleep she'd be getting that night. "What about me?"

Lexa shrugged and nodded towards the duo ahead of them. "Anything planned with Clarke?"

"She's driving me home? I don't know, ask _her_." Anya noted, not really sure what Lexa was getting at. They had a long ride back home, and it'd be quite late by the time they got in. Not exactly room for adventure or a detour.

"I'm just saying, Anya...she's made an effort. Give her a chance." Lexa's request was a little off, but she didn't blame her cousin for that, not having been around to have the full context.

"That's all I've been giving her all weekend, for your sake, even when she hadn't earned one." She shot back, letting out a frustrated huff as Clarke gave Costia a quick hug and started heading over. "I'm just giving her a chance at earning her way to friendship. She hasn't earned anything past that, Lexa."

Lexa exhaled heavily and pulled Anya into a hug. "You're very frustrating, you realize that?" Her cousin asked, laughing. "I'll see you tomorrow when I get home. I love you."

"Love you, too. Enjoy yourselves tonight." Anya offered, giving Lexa a tight squeeze before reluctantly letting go, knowing she'd have to face down the next few hours now.

About as soon as she and Lexa had separated, Clarke was there, holding open the passenger side door. "Your chariot awaits, Cinderella."

Lexa's laughter had Anya shooting her cousin a quick playful glare, even if her own blushing was a tiny bit embarrassing. "Not funny." She insisted before turning to Clarke. "Not Cinderella."

Clarke lifted her hands and nodded. "Too far, I get it. Sorry...and with that in mind, let me make it up to you with something to give us a break from the heat?"

"Something like what?" She asked, brain shifting gears a little because the heat and humidity really had been pretty overwhelming today. Something to help her cool off would be a welcome reprieve.

"Like...Dairy Queen? You're still royalty, princess." Clarke offered, immediately sending Anya's stomach rumbling with desire.

It was very tempting to blurt out her approval of the plan.

Lexa, of course, managed to make that call even if she wasn't so quickly committed. "Chocolate Xtreme blizzards put Anya in a happy place for at least an hour. That's a good idea." Lexa interjected as she stepped away. "Have a safe trip, you two! I'll see you soon."

Clarke waved Lexa off, but her focus was dead set on Anya. "Chocolate, hrm? I can definitely help with that."

"As far as detours go, I suppose it's not a _bad_ one." Anya admitted with a dramatic sigh, climbing into the passenger seat.

Clarke quickly rounded the vehicle and hopped into the driver's seat, starting the car up.

"Let's get this show on the road, shall we?"

* * *

 

Clarke wasn't completely sure what her plans would be when she arrived home from her trip, but one thing was for certain: she'd be sending some sort of floral arrangement to Lexa for the tip.

She'd gambled and ordered Anya a large of her favourite blizzard in the drive-thru, and for the last fifteen minutes, it'd paid off in more ways than one. Anya, as Lexa had predicted, was definitely in her happy place, entirely content to slowly mill away at her treat in the passenger seat, happy as a goddamn clam.

On top of that was a bit of a revelation, if one she needed to keep to herself for the near future. Her goal had been to make Anya happy, given what she'd had to put up with over the weekend, but Clarke didn't expect to get distracted by Anya's quiet little moans of pleasure, the look of pure bliss across her features, the way each spoonful would reduce Anya to this entirely serene state.

She'd always been attracted to a sort of softness in women, and she'd never seen more than a few brief spurts of that from Anya until now. But with the way Anya looked, with how she was behaving and reacting beside her? It'd been fifteen minutes of this, and all Clarke wanted to do was pull the car over, pull Anya onto her lap, and enjoy that side of her up close and personal.

Of course, it'd be intensely inappropriate and Anya would absolutely reject her, so Clarke just tried to focus on the road ahead, and not the soft, content moans from her right. Maybe there was some underboob sweat, not that anyone could prove it.

It was about ten miles later when Anya set her empty container in the cup holder. "Ughhh, I'm going to regret this tomorrow." Anya groaned, even though her lips still curled up into a smile as she peered down. "A crop top was a bad idea."

" _Please_ , you look incredible." Clarke stated with a laugh, eyebrows rising at Anya's quick scoff. "Okay, seriously, you downed a large blizzard and your stomach's still ninety-nine percent flat. Still as cute as before, and you've rocked that crop top today. But if you want, I can take a run with you tomorrow morning? Or you can come swim in my pool, given this heat's supposed to hold up until next weekend."

She could only spare glances Anya's way, wanting to be a responsible driver, but she only needed a fraction of a second to see the changed tint in her cheeks. "A pool?" Anya asked, sounding skeptical, perhaps for good reason, since Clarke usually didn't exercise in the thing.

"It's long, enough to swim laps. Wide enough for a few. I usually run, but I wouldn't be opposed to swimming so long as I had company." She clarified, noticing Anya nodding in her periphery.

"And if I were to leave after our workout?" It was a fair enough question, one that hinted at a talk Clarke had been expecting, even if she'd been hoping to delay it a while longer.

"Then you leave. I'm not going to pull the hospitality card and demand you stay for brunch. You've...been _good_ to me this weekend, but it doesn't mean we're friends.  Even if I might want that, it doesn't mean you do, or that I'm where I need to be for that to happen." Clarke answered, not really managing to hide the disappointment she felt at that portion of reality.

Because it _was_ disappointing. Given the opportunity, she felt like they could really get along, that they could click, but she'd unknowingly sabotaged that potential over the years. She only had herself to blame, but she had to believe that she could fix it, too.

She'd just need Anya's help figuring out how.

"Okay." Anya let out quietly, barely audible above the hum of the vehicle traveling down the highway. "Okay, good. I wasn't sure you understood, but it's...it's good that you know. Because I approve of the effort you've put into learning and understanding, but...you need to know that some of the things you do...you can't do those when we're alone."

Clarke cocked her head in thought, having an idea of what Anya was on about, but not fully getting it. "Like...the neck thing?" She asked, earning an easy nod. "I didn't mean anything by it."

"You don't have to mean anything. What matters is...well, the result." Anya added, not really clarifying much of anything. After a few seconds of silence on her part, Anya let out a sigh. "Do you understand what consent is?"

"Obviously." She laughed, having campaigned for it to be included in their high school's sex ed curriculum.

"So you understand that a person's body can respond in certain ways regardless of if a person wants it to react that way." Anya clarified, laying bare the issue at hand, immediately forming a deep pit in Clarke's stomach at the thought of having even minutely violated Anya. "Don't feel guilty, I felt perfectly safe in the diner earlier, _and_ when we met Lexa and Costia for lunch. Each of the three times you did it, I had two friends nearby who knew me, who understood my responses and boundaries, and who could speak for me, or intervene if needed."

Clarke nodded, starting to understand Anya's qualms, knowing how close she'd come to violating Anya's boundaries throughout the day. Her heart hurt at the idea that she almost fucked it all up again without even realizing. "But if we were alone, or you didn't have friends around, then you wouldn't feel safe." Clarke spoke slowly, remorse burning at her gut again at Anya's slow nod. "I would never purposely hurt you, I hope you believe that."

"I do. But you have to know how dangerous it is for me. I'm touch-starved, Clarke. My family...none of them have ever been touchy-feely types in the least, and I barely have any friends. Even then, the overwhelming majority of what I get are quick hugs, but even they're not real common, and maybe snuggling on the couch a small handful of times a year with Lexa and Costia." Anya explained, casting some light onto their experiences that weekend, and how hard it must have been for Anya to have done what she did the previous night in sleeping with her and keeping her wrist safe. Had she known what trouble it might have caused, she never would have taken the second option. "They understand what touch does to me...how sensitive I am to it. I don't want to react the way I do a lot of times, it's...it's _embarrassing_. I can lose myself in it, because I want it, I _yearn_ for it, and that makes it _dangerous_ , because anyone can do that to me. Anyone."

"I'd have all the control." Clarke mused.

Anya let out another sigh, slumping a little in her seat as she stretched out her legs. "Yes, you would."

"Then I promise not to touch you without asking permission. And if you say no, I'll let it go." Clarke asserted, fingers rolling in a wave atop the steering wheel as she fought to contain her emotions. "I want to be the kind of person you can feel safe around. I want to be your friend one day."

"It might take time." Anya spoke just as Clarke glanced her way. She looked small, gaze only flickering Clarke's way for a tiny blip of a second, head ducking ever so slightly. As if maybe Anya wasn't sure someone would be willing to put in the time, to have the patience to stick it out.

But she would. They were both going to New York after the summer break to start university, and even if Anya hadn't been all set to move near where she'd be living, she'd still want to have someone kind and passionate in her life.

"However long either of us needs, I'm good. You're worth it." Clarke admitted, reveling a little in the shy smile that sprouted on Anya's lips, even if Anya hid it as she turned her gaze out the side window.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Clarke."

She rolled her eyes at the predictable remark, unable to contain her own grin as she grabbed her mango-pineapple smoothie and finished it off, savoring the taste and the hint of progress she'd made, given the slight airiness of Anya's voice.

"Good thing I'm exactly where I want to be."

* * *

 

It might have been the warmth and humidity. Maybe it was the vague sounds nearby, or the way that the soothing rumble fell away to stillness.

Whatever it was, Anya found herself drifting out of slumber, frowning at having some restful relaxation pulled away. It'd been a long weekend, she deserved some rest.

"...ya, we're here." She heard, voice growing clearer quickly, a whole lot closer than she expected, and coming from her right. "Come on, pretty girl, you've got a bed waiting for you inside. My car's _not_ that comfy, sleeping beauty."

Anya let out a tired groan and moved to stretch her legs, allowing her eyes to flutter open reluctantly, since she _was_ comfortable. Clarke was right there, so close, kind blue eyes looking back at her, lips spreading into a smile as Anya's vision focused.

"Sleeping beauty married the first guy who came along and kissed her." Anya noted, blinking away the sleep from her eyes as she stretched the rest of her body and unfastened her seatbelt. "But thank you for driving me home."

Clarke stepped away, giving Anya room to get out of the SUV. "I was happy to have you along for the ride. I brought your luggage to the door, so you don't have to worry about much aside from getting inside and getting ready for bed."

"Thank you for that." Anya conceded with a smile, peeking past Clarke towards her door. Her smile twisted into a frown as she wondered why there was a large white bag beside her luggage. "What's the extra bag?"

"Well, thing is, we made a deal the other night that I owed you some things. And one of those things wasn't specified, and...well, I figured that until you figure out what that is, maybe what's in the bag could tide you over, more as thanks for giving me a good weekend than anything." Clarke rambled, teeth gnawing at her lower lip. "But don't open it until you're in your room. Do you promise?"

Anya nodded blearily, not really understanding how Clarke had a good weekend given all that had happened, but it was a nice gesture, even if it wasn't at all necessary.

"I promise. You didn't have to do that, though." Anya stated, finding it endearing how Clarke stood tall even if it was clear she was nervous.

"If I find myself in a position to do nice things, I try to do them. If I see an opportunity to show gratitude, I try to take it." Clarke clarified, shrugging her left shoulder. "I should let you get settled in for the night. I hope you sleep well, Anya."

Anya smiled, holding Clarke's soft gaze. "Sweet dreams, Clarke. Drive safe."

She watched Clarke grin and nod, backing away slowly and rounding the car over to the driver's side. It was only polite to see her off, so Anya waited, offering one last wave to the girl before the SUV made the slow descent down her driveway and vanished off down the road.

Once Clarke was out of sight, she made her way up the walkway to her house, needing a moment to find her keys so she could let herself in, knowing her parents were off visiting her aunt until Wednesday at the earliest, helping her with home renovations.

Her home was just as she'd left it, the warm familiarity bringing a wide smile to her face as she hauled her luggage and the mysteriously large and light bag up the stairs and into her room on the left. Not wanting to waste time moving around when her body and mind were tired, she made a quick detour into the bathroom with a change of clothes for a fast shower and a truncated form of her nightly routine.

It was good to be home, to revel in the comfort of her fluffy duvet, to enjoy the firm bounce of her mattress as she flopped onto it, nearly ready to zonk out. Key word being nearly, given her curiosity still demanded her higher functions remain active until she opened that bag.

With more caution than was likely necessary, Anya peeled away the tape holding the bag closed and pulled it open, not quite understanding or believing her eyes as she met the dark gaze of a stuffed elcor.

After a few blinks and gentle rubbing of her eyes, nothing changed. Calyn, the elcor ambassador, was staring back at her from in the bag. With more care than was probably warranted, she pulled him out of the bag, minding the potentially sticky tape, and set him beside her, nearly dismissing the bag until she noticed it wasn't empty. Maybe the Mass Effect colouring book had a laugh bubbling out of her throat. Maybe the Wonder Woman-themed slippers only magnified that, even if they looked nice and warm for use in the cooler weather.

Anya reluctantly left the bed and grabbed some scissors to cut the tags off the slippers and Calyn, but as she took hold of the elcor's tag, she realized there was a small note on the back.

_'Told you I pay attention to details. Hope the big dude's better company than I was! - C'_

She shook her head, allowing herself another laugh as she snipped the tags away, impulsively deciding to store Clarke's note in her nightstand's drawer before slipping under the covers and curling up with her very huggable elcor.

Perhaps Clarke could pull off managing to build towards a friendship with her after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit short compared to the others, but there wasn't really any other way to reasonably split things up with the time jump that follows.  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	5. Chapter 5

_Late Summer_

* * *

 

"I don't get why you're going nuts about this party. It's a party, not rocket science. You invite people and they show up. If there's booze, even better. That's it." Raven chimed in from her spot perched at the end of Clarke's bed. "It's not a big deal. It'll be just fine without you micromanaging everything."

Clarke let out a huff and sat back on her heels, temporarily deciding to stop digging through her closet. "You graduated last year. It's not a big deal for _you_ , but this is the last time I'll see a lot of these people for...well, maybe years from now. And I want it to be good for the ones I _will_ be seeing again soon, too."

"Like the swimmer girl." Raven noted, perhaps a little pointedly, enough for Clarke to make the executive decision to keep her focus elsewhere for the moment.

"Who?" She asked, Raven's laughter signaling her attempt at obscuring the truth wasn't well played.

"The swimmer girl you've spent most mornings with during the break. Lanky, bottle blonde, kinda thorny personality?" Raven asked, tapping a finger against her chin. Apparently her friend had noticed Anya's comings and goings from her home across the street. "I think her name was Aria? Aaliyah?"

It was clear that Raven had something she wanted to say, so Clarke got up and took a seat on her bed up against the headboard, leading Raven to do the same. "Her name's Anya. And...yeah, she's thorny, but all roses are. You just need to know how to hold them."

Clarke loved when people ran their hands through her hair, so when she felt Raven's combing through, fingertips gently grazing against her scalp, she couldn't help but lean into the touch.

"Clarke...that is one of the _gayest_ things I've ever heard someone say about another woman, and I pretty much live on Tumblr." Raven whispered, clearly barely containing her laughter. It was nearly enough to get her to shuffle away, not quite ready to be teased over her growing adoration for Anya, but the feel of Raven's forehead pressing against her temple stilled her. "Not a bad thing. You always did say you were bi, I just...never saw you take to another girl before. It's _adorable_. So is that what you two do every morning? _Hold_ each other?"

"I _wish_. No, we usually just swim for an hour and a half or so, Anya likes a good workout in the morning. For a while, that was it...she'd come over, we'd exercise, and she'd leave. Now I've managed to get her sticking around for a half hour or an hour to just talk or sunbathe." Clarke explained, waiting through a few seconds of silence before turning her head, wondering what was on Raven's mind.

Apparently, perplexed amusement was the daily special, given Raven was looking at her like she had two heads. "Clarke, you're good at flirting. Just get all touchy-feely and she'll melt. Most girls would."

Clarke shook her head and sunk back against her pillows. "I can't." She answered, shooting Raven a pointed glare when her friend scoffed. "I'm _serious_. I hurt her back in high school. She doesn't fully trust me yet, and she's set boundaries on how I can touch her, so I'm respecting that and just...trying to earn her friendship."

"So what, this morning ritual is some sort of punishment for what you did? Which I have a hard time believing you hurt her, bee-tee-dubs." Raven shot back, brow furrowing, dark eyes meeting her gaze in clear concern.

"Not punishment. She doesn't really seem to care about that. She just wants me to be better so she can feel safe around me." She clarified, taking a deep breath when Raven still stared at her in befuddlement. "I got a close friend of hers expelled in grade nine based on hearsay from guys that were bullying them.  I stacked the GSA with her bullies, people I thought were good and decent people but clearly weren't, so she couldn't go there for support when she needed it."

Raven let out a long exhale and nodded. "Okay, that sounds sort of bad, but that was, like, grade nine and ten."

"I helped arrange assemblies that had skits explicitly insulting and harassing her, ones that I laughed at. You remember the skit in your final year where Finn came out in a dress? That was after Finn and Bell paid Ontari to date her long enough to steal some of her clothes for the assembly and grab some nudes to spread around the school. Among some other things, so yeah, the way she is with me...it's warranted. Really fucking warranted." Clarke clarified, sticking to her guns. As time had passed, she'd remembered more and more about things that had happened that year and early senior year.  If anything, Anya had undersold her difficulties.

Raven's hand dropped from her head and cupped her shoulder, pulling her in for a hug. "Well... _shit_. Okay, then, what's the plan of action?" Raven asked, and Clarke really couldn't find an answer outside of sticking with what she'd been doing, so maybe she shrugged. Slow and steady wins the race. It made sense. "Okay, so you can't just freak out about the party tonight and not have a plan to dazzle this girl. Ideally, what'd go down between you two tonight?"

A flurry of fantasies rushed through her mind, but she forced herself to be more practical and appropriate, knowing Anya deserved at least that much. "I...I guess I just want to be able to hold her."

"Okay, you're more far gone than I expected. Is that what I have to look forward to?" Raven asked absently, eyes growing a little wide as Clarke leaned back, wondering if Raven was implying what she thought she was. "Okay, so I...might have met a girl at MIT. She might be coming tonight, since I figure it's time to officially move on from Finn."

Clarke nodded profusely, thrilled to know Raven was finally taking that step. Raven had found out about his affair the final day of the con, and after a brief frosty period of behaviour towards her, she and Raven had grown a lot closer over the summer. "That's great! I...so are you bi?"

"I think so, yeah. I mean, I had some hints here and there over the years, but this one...this one kind of clued me in. And I'm just...floundering a little, because she's an aquatic engineer, and smart, and witty, and beautiful, and..." Clarke's smile grew as Raven rambled, earning her a small shove as Raven's cheeks got a tiny bit redder. "I just like her. And I want to impress her tonight, so I was hoping you had a plan, so I could copy it."

It was a laughable idea given Raven was the genius out of the two of them, honestly, but the idea of a game plan had a certain appeal to it. If anything, Anya deserved that sort of careful consideration. The last she wanted was to end up inadvertently hurting Anya because she winged the party and was careless.

"Well, a plan does seem like it'd be a good idea, I guess. So...does she know you like her?" Clarke asked, earning a quick shake of the head, Raven's wide-eyed fear leaving her unsure whether to laugh or cry that their situations were so similar. "Same here."

"What?! How does that girl not know you're into her?! Clarke!" Raven thwapped her in the head with a surprise pillow attack that only served to mess up her hair a little more than it already was. "Seriously, you invite her over _every morning_."

"Six mornings a week, but still. And I call her pet names. And I've bought her gifts. And I keep telling her I'd love to spend more time together. And I've done so much research and traveled to a few workshops and speaking events, too, to try and make sure I'll be safer for her and other trans people to be around." Clarke relayed, only contorting Raven's features even more. "And I want to be safer, that in itself is a big deal for me, I want to be a part of the community at Columbia and that means being informed and safe if I want to help people and make friends. But Anya...I mean, I don't think she's ever dated anyone, so maybe she just doesn't pick up the cues that I'm interested in something else on top of her friendship? I mean, she might have, and is just ignoring me, but I think I'd notice that. Besides, she tends to be pretty direct about everything."

Raven suddenly jolted up, moving to sit in front of her. "That's it! Luna hates when people beat around the bush or lie to her. And your girl is clueless. Neither seem the type to hold anything over anyone's head unless they're, like, super familiar, right?"

"Yeah, so?" She asked, narrowly dodging another pillow attack.

"So we be aggressively honest. Toss our filters in the trash. Worry about the consequences of it all tomorrow."

Clarke's heart skipped a beat at the immediate, visceral fear of rejection, Anya's past words echoing in her head as she imagined coming clean to her at the party, as she imagined confessing her feelings. This was a girl who felt disgusted and scared enough to refuse sharing a room with her barely two months ago.

How the hell could she even make an attempt?

"I can't. I...you didn't hear how _disgusted_ she was of me. How much pain I caused her, I can't just..." Clarke started, throat feeling much narrower as she fought for enough breath to speak. "I just _can't_."

The third time was the charm, the pillow making solid contact against the front of her face.

"Come on, what day of the con was that? Because I distinctly remember Finn ranting about Anya keeping him from talking to you." Raven asserted, apparently not keen on just letting things be.

"She told me that Saturday morning. And yeah, she helped me in the market later that day, but she's been up front saying she doesn't have to like someone to not want them hurt. Even before venting at me me, she...shit, she _comforted_ me over what Finn did to us. She's just that kind of person." Clarke argued, but if anything Raven looked even more determined.

Her friend held up the pillow again, Clarke getting her arms up in time to dissuade her, apparently. "She sounds friggin' perfect for you. Besides, she's hung out with you past your workouts, alone, so by her own standards, she finds you worth her time and trusts you decently enough. She wouldn't spend time with you if she didn't enjoy it, if it still hurt her. Pretty big change from someone who didn't feel safe to share a room with you."

Clarke lowered her hands to gauge Raven's sincerity and ate another pillow for her naiveté. " _Damn it_ , Raven, just...do you think I have a shot?"

"From the sound of it, you've put in some work. You've earned some trust. Enough to come clean about how you feel? Yeah, I'd say so. Enough for her to give you a shot? She'd be an idiot not to see how real this is for you." Raven suggested. "Put the ball in her court. Tell her how you feel. _Show_ her how you feel in whatever ways you can. Let her decide if she's into you or not, don't write her off before you give her that chance."

Clarke let out a long exhale, the idea of actively wooing Anya already mentally exhausting. Still, she was worth it. She absolutely was. "Aggressively honest, huh?" She asked, drawing an eager nod from her friend. With a roll of her eyes, she flopped onto her side. "Then I guess that's the plan. Here's hoping we have luck on our side."

As far as Clarke was concerned, they'd need it.

* * *

 

Anya liked Saturdays. Even during summer breaks, it was the one day of the week where she'd let herself relax and have a lazy day. It was always good to have a day to recuperate, she'd learned, and she knew she'd certainly need them going forward over the next few years in New York.

There was nothing quite like laying on her bed in comfy clothes, her open windows welcoming the gentle summer breeze as she worked away at her reading list.

Of course, she'd never been the luckiest individual, so when a knock sounded at her door, she could only imagine that her relaxing routine would be delayed for a few minutes, likely her mother wanting her to accomplish some additional chores, or to help with the garden. "Come in."

A not insignificant amount of surprise coursed through her body as Lexa slipped into her room, looking beautiful as always, but for some reason was at her home rather than Clarke's to help prep for the party.

Anya bookmarked her novel and set it aside. "Lexa, I thought you'd be helping Clarke get her house ready before heading to the airport to pick up Costia."

"Clarke has adequate help already, she'll be fine. I see _you're_ all ready to go." Lexa noted, cocking a scrutinizing eyebrow at her.

Between Lexa's presence and that strange look, Anya had a bad feeling. "You're not expecting me to _attend_ the party, are you?"

Lexa moved to the end of the bed, arms crossing her chest, hips cocked. Apparently, she absolutely did.

Crap.

"At least you've showered already, so we can skip that. What are you going to wear?" Lexa asked, not even leaving Anya's participation in the party up in the air.

"What, is this not appropriate? Come on, Lexa. Why would I go to this thing?" She countered quickly, regretting her words a little as Lexa leveled a hard stare at her.

"Costia's coming back tonight. You can catch up with her, and spend time with us before we head to D.C. on Monday and you head to New York." Lexa argued, and alright, perhaps that was a reasonable argument. Costia would be spending much of tomorrow packing and spending time with her parents, and her and Lexa would be leaving bright and early on Monday. It really was her last good shot at hanging out with her for a while, and she did miss Cos. "And on top of that, you have today as a test run for New York."

Anya's head tilted to the side, confused at that last addition. "What do you mean?"

"You've always had to have your shield up around here. You've been a little thorny by design, to keep yourself safe, because there are a _lot_ of shitty people around here. But in New York, you'll just be one more person in the crowd. You won't have to have your walls up so high, you won't have to put up a front. You'll have a pretty fresh start over there, and tonight could get you ready for that." Lexa clarified, using a lot of Anya's past venting sessions in the process, only further pulling her towards the idea of attending the party, even if the prospect was still intimidating. It'd been a long time since she let her softer side out to play, not since she'd been viciously bullied in grade nine to the point of needing to look tougher to protect herself, even if that came with its own drawbacks in more verbal harassment and misgendering.

"Not a completely fresh start. Clarke would be there." Anya added, apparently compelling Lexa to crawl up onto the bed and curl up beside her. "You realize you can't hug me into submission."

Lexa just laughed, nose tickling her neck. "Of course I can't. And yes, _Clarke_ will be there. You can't pretend that she's not your friend now, Anya. Even if you're not as close with her as, say, Costia, you still like her."

Anya's couldn't refute her words, knowing the other blonde had indeed grown on her like a fungus to the point where she looked forward to seeing her. Clarke had worked hard to become someone she could feel safe around, and she both respected and kind of adored her for that daily dedication and self-critique. Still, Lexa didn't need to know that, so she just raised an eyebrow, not that Lexa could see. "Your point?"

"My point is that you can show her the rest of you tonight. You can let her in, let her know you, and give her a shot at being the friend she's trying to be for you." Lexa stated, slinging her arms around Anya's waist. "Besides, you'd be doing me a favour. I don't want either of you two to feel alone out there. If you two had each other to lean on, I'd be a lot less stressed about being away from you."

Anya felt her heart drop into her stomach, Lexa's words hitting their target dead on. "Bring out the big guns, why don't you?" She let out with a sigh, holding her cousin closer. "I don't want you to worry about me, or at least no more than usual. I'll go."

"Well, then, we should get you ready. Go pick out something to wear." Lexa prodded her stomach until she sat up and rolled off the bed, reluctantly making her way to the closet.

Her hand moved to grab her trademark leather pants but that was the predictable choice. That was what her former classmates knew well, her harder, thornier side she used to keep the hordes at bay, at least physically. They'd never let her be anything else before, not without seeing it as a vulnerability to attack.

But she was leaving on Monday. They had no hold on her anymore.

Anya shook her head and pushed enough hangers aside to bring the four in garment bags to the forefront. By memory, she grabbed the last one and handed it behind her, knowing Lexa would be waiting, and then passed off a pair of red heels. Once her cousin took possession of both, she went up on her tip-toes and grabbed the large black box from her top shelf, and then the two slightly smaller white boxes to its right. If she was going to show off another side of herself, and gauge if Clarke could accept that part of her, then she was going to go all out. Taking half-measures would simply be a waste.

Besides, maybe Clarke would think she'd look nice.

"You're lucky I haven't eaten since breakfast, or I might not fit in it." Anya noted as she set the boxes down on her bed. She didn't waste time opening the black box and pulling her corset free; she'd always hated lacing herself up, but with Lexa around, that wouldn't be such a problem. "Want to help me into this?" She asked, pulling her top off and slipping out of her shorts.

"I have no idea where you're going with this, but consider me intrigued." Lexa stated, setting the garment bag down on the bed and moving behind her as Anya got the corset positioned.

It took a little longer than she'd have liked, and a little more effort from Lexa than expected, but she eventually found herself snugly laced into the corset at the right measurements.

"Load me up? I won't take long to change." She asked, arms out.

Lexa still looked a little stunned at her corset, but quickly gathered the boxes and garment bag and laid them onto Anya's arms, a twinkle of excitement flashing in her eyes. And maybe it was a little exciting, wearing what she would out in public for the first time instead of lounging around her home in the outfit as she had in the past.

She'd never really had the opportunity to wear something like that without inviting scrutiny, and the last thing she wanted in the past was for Lexa to catch on and push and prod her to wear what she liked, screwing the consequences. That would have meant more work and more stress for Lexa, and that just hadn't been an option in Anya's mind.

But maybe she could do this now.

Anya made her way into the ensuite and shut the door behind her, quickly setting the items up and carefully putting them on in the right order. It was a matter of precision, but she knew her way around each like an old friend, and it wasn't long until she was slipping into her pumps and checking herself in the mirror to ensure nothing was out of place. She'd have to do her hair, and work some magic with her makeup, but she looked good.

Feeling a rush of confidence, she opened the door and stepped out into her bedroom. The sound drew Lexa's attention, her cousin sitting at the side of her bed, green eyes growing wide as she looked her over. For a brief moment, there was a jolt of panic, that maybe Lexa would think she looked silly, or absurd, but the tiny upward twitch at her cousin's lips threw those fears into her mental trash compactor.

Lexa lifted a hand, silently twirling a finger. Anya complied and did a slow spin, enough time for Lexa's smile to have bloomed into a wide grin. "You look amazing, Anya!"

"Really?" She asked, needing that last little bit of validation, and thankfully, Lexa was thrilled to offer it with a gleeful nod.

"I can do your hair, but Costia would kill me if I did your face, too. She's gonna flip when she sees you, I guarantee it. Would you be okay taking a quick pit stop after the airport?" The idea of going out to the airport dressed as she was, well, it was intimidating. It was a little scary. But she'd have Lexa, and she'd have Costia, and she'd have Costia's parents.

Anya nodded. That would have to be enough.

* * *

 

Clarke stared off at her back yard, pleased with the fruits of her efforts. Her mom had insisted that no damage come to the interior while she was away setting up her apartment in the city with her Uncle Jacapo, so she'd made the executive decision to close off the house and host the party in the back yard. After all, they didn't have neighbours for at least a half mile in any given direction from the edges of their property, so it seemed like a safe enough bet. The fire pit was re-organized to host more people, the pool and hot tub were set up, the barbecue area was stocked with food and a makeshift bar, the sound system was set up with speakers positioned around the yard, and she'd scattered all sorts of seating so there'd always be somewhere nearby to sit.

It was well worth the effort for a nice send-off.

"Hey, so when are we starting up with the burgs?" Octavia asked, suddenly and sneakily appearing at her side. "Monty, Miller, and Harper worked up a bit of a sweat carrying the speakers around. Are they good to grab a quick shower?"

Clarke nodded, reaching into her bag for one of her spare key rings she'd made and set aside for the party to control access to the house. "They should be fast, though. People will start arriving soon, it's almost eight. We'll start getting food ready around then."

"Got it, I'll make sure Monty and Miller shower separately." Octavia mused to herself, grabbing the spare and jogging off towards the others.

Clarke rolled her eyes, but knew it'd probably be a necessary precaution, given how the two often disappeared for hours on end when given the opportunity.

She made her way across the yard to the bar, scoping our Raven practicing some bartender tricks. Because of course that's what she managed to pick up and learn in her year at MIT.

"So, my fine-feathered friend, is everything shaping up alright?" She took a seat on one of the bar stools they'd hauled up from the basement, basking in Raven's excitement.

"Luna's on her way, she should be here by nine, nine-thirty at the latest if traffic's bad. Our alcohol is set up and ready for serving. We've got a good selection of mixers and ingredients, so there's room for a little creativity. When people start arriving, if they have anything, it gets brought here. I work the first shift until eleven, and that Ryder guy takes over then." Raven rambled, sounding a little giddy about serving drinks.

"You sure you don't mind tending bar for a while?" She asked, drawing an immediate scoff from her friend.

"Please, it's fun. Besides, Lincoln's giving me first dibs on the food, and I'm all about that. And whenever Luna and I hung out, it was usually at the bar I worked at, so it'll be a little familiar, I guess? I'll be fine, Clarkey." Raven reassured her, pouring herself a drink of something dark and foamy. "Don't worry, babe, just a root beer. No alky for me till I'm off duty, scout's honour."

Clarke narrowed her eyes at Raven. "You were never a girl scout."

"Psh, details." Raven laughed taking a sip from her glass just as the phone in Clarke's bag started to ring.

Curious, she fished it out, a smile sprouting on her lips at the contact ID. She immediately answered. "Costia! How was the flight in?"

"Smooth sailing as usual, can't complain. That doesn't matter though, I only have a few minutes before I have to get back." Costia answered, her last few words coming out hastily, sending Clarke's heart twisting with worry. "Not gonna beat around the bush. Do you still have feelings for Anya?"

The question had Clarke ambling off the bar stool and heading indoors, unsure if she was going to be delivered good or bad news.  Even across the country, Cos had been helping her flesh out her feelings for Anya, so she was more than a little concerned at the urgency now after so long about preaching patience. "Yeah. More than ever."

"Then unless you're dressed in your best stuff, you need to go and change, because _Clarke_. She looks...Clarke, I've never seen her like this. It's just she can't be the only one glammed up or she'll feel out of place, even with me and Lexa sort of following suit." Costia relayed, the urgency in her voice compelling Clarke to rush upstairs and into her walk-in closet.

Because while Anya was breathtaking in casual clothes, or wearing a sports bra and exercise shorts, and she couldn't imagine Anya being prettier than she always was, Costia sounded serious. And if it'd help Anya feel more welcome, it was no skin off her teeth to change into something a little fancier. Lord knew she usually needed an excuse to wear some of her stuff anyways, so she'd welcome the opportunity.

"Got it. I'm changing now." She spoke, one hand holding the phone to her ear while the other skimmed through her fancier items, looking for something that would work. "Need me to colour coordinate?"

"Maybe something white or red? Anyways, it doesn't matter, just...I've never seen her like this in public. Ever. This is different and new for her, and she needs you to have her back, because she trusts you to have it. She needs _everyone_ to know you have her back. And...Clarke?" Costia asked, voice trailing off.

"Yeah?"

"If you were ever planning on letting her know how you feel...this is your shot. If there was ever a time to make your move, it's tonight. I gotta get back, we're leaving for your place now, but just...good luck. Don't let us down." Costia added, ending the call quickly and leaving Clarke wondering what had changed.

That morning, she'd hung out with Anya for an hour or so, not really talking about much of anything. It'd been nice, and the silences between them had been comfortable, but it wasn't like Anya had a heart to heart with her or something. Nothing to indicate that Anya would even go to the party, even if Clarke had hoped she would, let alone consider it special enough to dress up in something nice, whatever that meant.

Not that Anya didn't look nice, she always did, but Anya's version of 'nice' was usually a decent quality blouse, her leather pants or skinny jeans, and generally a leather jacket. And that would get Clarke's heart-rate up, for certain, but Costia's call left her unsure what to expect. Which, in turn, left her unsure what to wear.

Obviously, her tank top and jeans wouldn't cut it, but she needed to find something. _Maybe if I'm trying to woo her...maybe I should show a little skin? She did glance at my legs a lot during the con weekend that Sunday, so...maybe my tailored black shorts? I could pair it with my white blazer to coordinate with Anya?_

It seemed as good a plan as any, so she quickly grabbed each item up along with one of her nicest sets of lingerie, figuring if it inexplicably got to the point of Anya getting more than a solid peek, she wanted to look nice and impress. Not that she expected anything of the sort, but it was good to be prepared. And in case Anya's new 'nice' meant heels, she swapped her flats for a set of strappy heels, not wanting a situation where Anya was half a foot taller or anything. She liked being about the same height, it was a nice change of pace from the usual for her.

"Clarke, is that you? Lincoln was wondering... _whoa_!" Octavia exclaimed, stilling by her closet doorway. "Okay, wow, you, uh...wait a second. Clarke, you _sly mo_..."

"What was Lincoln wondering, Octavia?" She interrupted hastily, not wanting to get buried in a bunch of accusations of debauchery.

Unfortunately, Octavia was already hooked, whether Clarke liked it or not. "No, no. Are you fishing for some no strings action tonight? I mean I wouldn't blame you, with everyone going their separate ways and all."

Clarke just kept scanning through her accessories for something fitting. She eventually settled on a subtle necklace with a heart-shaped ruby pendant. There was a chance it could disappear into her cleavage, but it was the only good red necklace she had to match her outfit.

"Not everyone's going their separate ways, O." She hinted as she put the necklace on and secured the clasp. "New York's a fresh start, but...maybe I might see if a certain someone's up for a fresh start together."

"Another New Yorker? Hrm...Fox is still dating Harrison, so not her. Jasper and Maya are moving there together, so none of them. And definitely not Bell after the way you've like, cut him out this summer...he's not even gonna be here tonight." Octavia mused openly, following Clarke out of the closet. "Wait...Anya?"

Clarke nearly tripped over her own feet at O's astute guess, even if there weren't many others from their graduating class heading to New York.

"Like, _Anya_ -Anya? My intense kickboxing tutor, Anya?" Octavia continued, grabbing Clarke's wrist and turning her around, clearly having cued in that her guess was on point. "Are you _serious_?"

Clarke took a hard swallow and stood up straight, knowing if Octavia had a problem, she couldn't let it fester. "She's my friend, and I'm really into her. If you have a problem with that..."

"Whoa, no, _no_. Not a problem." Octavia rushed out, hands up as she took a step back. "Definitely not a problem, it's the opposite of one. I sort of love her for the two years she helped train me, but she's a total dork, and we didn't have anything in common, so it never really went past that. But if you're aiming for her, you've got the green light from me, not that she'd need me protecting her."

Clarke nodded, not having known Anya had helped Octavia train during high school. O had talked to her about training, about her hard-ass teacher, but she didn't recall O mentioning any names. Still, it was good to know one more person had Anya's back.

"Thanks, it's good to know someone else is looking out for her." Clarke admitted, taking a step backward. "So...think she'll like?"

Octavia shrugged. "You look hot, lots of good earth cleavage going on. I don't know who wouldn't like how you look. But...yeah, I think she will."

Clarke breathed a sigh of relief, hoping Octavia was right and maybe Anya might like who _and_ what she saw when she arrived. "I sure hope so." She noted, gesturing for O to follow her as she made her way back downstairs and into the back yard, loitering by the gate that led into the backyard, sincerely wishing there wasn't a high stone wall and a big wooden door blocking the way. However, she also didn't want to seem desperate and ridiculous, which keeping it open and constantly peeking out would do, so she just tried to play it cool, casually greeting everyone who strolled through.

She'd just let in Fox and her boyfriend when she heard Costia's signature laugh from the other side of the gate.

Clarke decided to play it casual, leaning up against a support nearby for the covered area containing the bar and barbecue, forcing her breath to steady as Costia strolled in wearing the same suit she'd worn to her post-graduation party, looking stunning as ever. Lexa followed in a black dress that ought to have been illegal for how high the slit at the side was, but she'd always been a daring girl.

She needed an extra second for her brain to parse through what she was seeing when the third girl followed through. She'd expected to see Anya's often messy waves and braids, so when a head of side-swept loose golden curls met her, punctuated with a rose in her hair, Clarke nearly looked past the girl in an attempt to spot Anya.

But then the girl laughed at some remark of Lexa's, and Clarke knew that sound anywhere. She hadn't noticed she'd taken a few steps closer until she vaguely heard Costia call out to her. Her focus was too intent on Anya as she turned to face her, and suddenly Costia's sentiments on the phone seemed like a severe understatement because Clarke lacked the words.

Dictionaries and thesauruses probably lacked the words, because Anya was smiling that endearingly infectious smile, looking like she'd stepped out of a romance novel in her white and red floral dress that did absurd things with her figure, those warm amber eyes beaming with confidence and curiosity. Anya was a vision, looking so happy and comfortable and utterly beautiful. There was too much to process, too much stimulation for her poor bisexual heart to handle as it struggled to keep up with the rapid, unrelenting pace Anya spurred it to.

She only realized how close she'd gotten when she straight up couldn't see Anya clearly anymore for the tears in her eyes.

And of course Anya would focus on that. "Clarke? What's the matter? Did something happen?"

She felt one of Anya's gloved hands cup her cheek and that was apparently her breaking point, a whimper escaping her as she shook her head in a feeble attempt to convince the girl that everything was fine, because it really was even if she was out of breath. She was just super frazzled was all.

Clarke blinked away her tears, or at least tried to as they kept coming with every visual and tactile reminder of her crush.

Lord help her.


	6. Chapter 6

It'd been with a certain sense of trepidation that she'd walked down the pathway to Clarke's backyard. Lexa and Costia had been cracking jokes non-stop over the fifteen minute drive, and try as she might, she couldn't be annoyed at them for that, not when she'd laughed more in that time than probably the past week combined.

Still, the moment she'd crossed into the party area, her eyes had sought out her host, wondering if Clarke was waiting, if Clarke was busy, if Clarke was with someone.

It had only taken a few seconds to get an answer, though not without a dozen or two questions being added on as Clarke practically staggered over, cheeks flushed, a tear or two running down her cheeks, and lower lip quivering in a meager attempt to contain her emotions.

Her host's composure had cracked away the moment she lifted a hand to her face, so Anya just waited, her confidence from earlier draining with each passing second as more eyes turned towards them, as Clarke fought to compose herself.

Taking a page from a few weeks back, she dropped her hand and took both of Clarke's in her own, thumbs caressing the tops of her knuckles. "Breathe. Focus on calming yourself little by little, take your time, it's fine."

Clarke nodded sharply and made an attempt. Perhaps not the best, but as a few seconds passed, she could hear the girl's breathing get closer to stabilizing. "Ev...everything's wonderful." Clarke eventually blurted out in a tearful smile, those sapphire blue eyes averted downward. If anything, Clarke's words and mannerisms only further confused her.

Still, she nodded, gently hushing Clarke as she felt and saw her grow tense. "Then why are you crying?"

If Clarke hadn't been blushing much before, she certainly was now, cheeks blooming bright red. She waited, seconds ticking past before Clarke took a deep breath once, twice, and met her gaze with a strange sort of intensity.

"You're just...really beautiful." Clarke spoke, and given the nearby crowd and lack of music or discussion, Anya was rather certain that a good twenty or thirty people heard her. "You're _so beautiful_ , princess, and I'm so overwhelmed, I'm _sorry_."

Clarke moved to step away, but Anya only tightened her grip of the girl's hands, head abuzz with a fresh flurry of questions, concerns, and feelings. As embarrassing as it was to be called that pet name in public, in front of everyone, she couldn't let Clarke rush off, not yet.

"Don't apologize. Just...do you _mean_ that?" She cursed herself for how hesitant she sounded, knowing others could hear it in her voice, could use it against her.

Her lungs emptied at the way Clarke's eyes flashed with determination, how her host moved to touch her and held her hands an inch from her frame. "May I touch you?" Clarke asked, and Anya couldn't help but immediately nod. A sigh tore out from her throat as an arm wrapped around her waist, Clarke's other hand resting still against the back of her neck in that lovely spot she was so weak to. And yet, Clarke refused to make her more vulnerable than needed, holding it still there, letting Anya soak in the comfort from the gentle touch. "Anya, I've always felt like there was something I was missing when it came to you. Something...held back, like you always kept everything at arm's reach. And then you smiled my way and I just got...I just got so overwhelmed. You're _always_ beautiful, but here? _Now_? It's like seeing you for the first time and...there's no words."

Anya swallowed hard, her emotions climbing up her throat and straining at her chest as her heart thudded fiercely against her ribs. She'd never been spoken to like that, Clarke's fiery sincerity burning away any doubt of the girl's feelings for her, leaving Anya breathless in want and anticipation, thrust into a new unexplored existence.

Her body trembled at the desire in Clarke's eyes purely focused on her. And maybe Clarke didn't have the words, but maybe they just weren't necessary. 

Mustering every shred of composure and wit that she could, Anya fixed Clarke with a smile, adoring how the girl holding her practically melted. "I'd usually say something about flattery, but...perhaps I was wrong about that."

Clarke's face lit up like the fourth of July. "Can I get you a drink, Anya?"

She rolled her eyes at the invitation, even as her cheeks ached from smiling. "You may."

Clarke stepped away, but held out a hand; it was an odd gesture, but she appreciated it. She wanted to stay close and in touch, letting Clarke lead her over to the bar where Raven waited, the bartender watching the two of them closely.

The brief trip wasn't enough for her to wrap her head around what was happening. She'd expected to go to the party to spend time with Costia and Lexa, to support Clarke as a friend. Clarke essentially confessing feelings for her right off the bat was like being kicked in the chest; even if it was something potentially good, something she _did_ yearn for, it was heavy and had her off balance.

She'd been exercising with Clarke for a little over eight weeks. She'd been spending a little time with her most mornings for the past three weeks or so. Anya had never picked up on anything that led to the notion of Clarke liking her like that, yet apparently that seemed to be the case to some extent. If Clarke hadn't worked tirelessly to educate herself and earn her trust, Anya would have shut her down, but knowing Clarke had fought to be better, and had grown as a person? That helped her feel safer around the girl. But the idea that Clarke maybe liked her and was seeking her out tonight? That was hard to fathom.

For now she'd spend time on Clarke's arm in hopes she'd get an explanation or insight. The last thing she wanted was to engage in a half-hearted or spur of the moment romantic endeavour that could cost them their budding friendship.

"So, uh, what do you want to drink?" Clarke asked, and now that they were away from that particular moment, Anya rediscovered her understanding of etiquette and opened up her bag, pulling out a tissue.

"Well, a lemonade would be nice, thank you." She answered, lifting her hand to Clarke's face to dab away her fallen tears. Whatever makeup Clarke was using really held up, it was kind of impressive. "There we are."

Clarke ducked her head, exhaling softly. "God, I must look like a complete mess."

Anya balled up the tissue and tossed it in a nearby trash bin. "You look very pretty, actually. It's a charming look on you...I love the blazer, and the little necklace is a nice touch."  She noted, closing up her bag and setting it on the bar. In truth, the girl's cleavage was on full display, as were her legs, and it was already hard enough to focus with Clarke's eyes and smile being what they were. Clarke was exceptionally beautiful tonight, and there was only so much Anya could do to keep from staring when she looked like that.

"Really? You like it?" Clarke asked, fiddling with the ruby pendant. Not that Anya dared let her gaze drop down from Clarke's eyes. That would be much too dangerous at the moment.

"Are you trying to draw my attention somewhere in particular, Clarke? I certainly wouldn't want to be inappropriate." She decided to be a little direct, if vague in detail, trying to suss out if Clarke was flirting with her on a more physical level or if the girl was just insecure about her appearance.

"Pretty sure Clarke wants you to check out her tits, princess." Anya could feel blood rush to her cheeks at Raven's offhand remark, heart hurting a little at the idea of Clarke telling Raven about that word in particular, let alone letting Raven think it'd be okay to tease her with it. Maybe she shot a glare Clarke's way to express her disapproval. "Alright, I can get why you might be ticked off over that, but why are you mad at... _oh_."

Clarke shook her head, even as she held Anya's gaze with her own soft blue eyes. "No ' _oh_ ', Raven. It's not what you think."

"You call her ' _princess_ '. And she _likes_ it." Raven sounded entirely amused, enough for Anya to shift her glare to the bartender. "Okay, okay, I'll delete that from my vocabulary when it comes to you for Clarke's sake, but I still think it's adorable as hell. And you told me she _didn't_ know you liked her, Griffin. Way to flub on that fact."

"I _didn't_ know. I thought Clarke was just being awkward, and didn't know how to behave around me, so she'd resort to jokes. She's always been a little playful." Anya explained, earning a hard laugh from Raven.

"Maybe, like, in the first five or ten minutes around someone. Not, like, after _weeks_ of spending time together. That's _clearly_ flirting territory." Raven shot back, pouring a glass of lemonade and pushing it over to her.

"Thanks, _tips_." It was bad enough that she'd missed whatever 'clear' cues Clarke had been giving. Being laughed at over it just added insult to injury.

Raven, of course, just sent a shit-eating grin her way. "Happy to help. Clarke, you want anything to drink?"

"A bottle of water would be great, thanks." Clarke answered, bringing a hand to cup her elbow as she shifted her focus. "And I could have been a lot more obvious if I wanted to be. I didn't want to pressure you or cross a line. I waited until I felt we were close enough to where I could _maybe_ take my shot and have at least _some_ sort of chance."

Anya could appreciate the out Clarke was giving her. Really, she could, and it was terribly sweet of her to do so, but she could own her mistakes. "Clarke, you don't need to defend me for being selectively oblivious. Now why don't we find somewhere to sit?"

Once again Clarke offered a hand, so Anya took hold of her drink with one hand and took Clarke's with her other, letting her host lead her through the property. The yard was large, excessively so, but the farther they got from the bar, the calmer her pulse became. As they stepped into a small enclosed garden area, Anya allowed herself to just pretend it was like earlier that morning, just her and Clarke.

She never really did like parties, but she did like Clarke. And she could catch up with Costia eventually, if her favourite dynamic duo didn't track them down first.

Until then, she'd enjoy the company of an intriguing young woman. The night was young, after all.

* * *

 

"...and so that's when I jumped out of the tree." Clarke noted with a grin, one that only grew wider at Anya's dumbstruck expression, a mix of horror and amusement swirling in her eyes.

And maybe when Anya rested a hand on her thigh for the fourth time since they sat on her favourite wooden bench, maybe she allowed herself the hope that they were having a decent time. Or, that Anya was having a decent time.

"The tree by the pool? The one with bottom branches higher than your house?" Anya asked with a short laugh.

"Yep. Of course, I didn't exactly land on the trampoline like I wanted, and I took a tumble on the grass instead of a nice launch into the pool, but at least I didn't walk away empty-handed." Clarke continued, feeling her cheeks bloom as Anya lightly rubbed at her thigh. Even if there was a thin layer of lace preventing skin on skin contact, it still lit up her core something fierce.

"A scar, I imagine?" Anya asked, cocking an eyebrow and returning her hand back to her side.

"I was gonna say a story, but yeah. Most of them healed well enough that you can't tell, but there's one along my left shoulder blade, and across the back of my left calf." Clarke answered, heart bursting with adoration at how Anya's features immediately softened, concern pooling in her eyes. "Don't give me those puppy dog eyes, I was fine. My mom patched me up and put me through a gauntlet of one-sided lessons on safety and health, and gave me more chores than I knew how to handle for worrying her, but I was fine."

Anya offered a sharp nod. "Your mother sounds like a smart woman."

"Don't let _her_ hear you say that, I'd never hear the end of it." Clarke practically groaned. She had a feeling that her mom and Anya would probably get along famously in a lot of ways, many of which could be exasperating.

Still, that was probably better than the alternative if she wanted to create something long-term with Anya, and she did.

"I know the feeling. Ever since I started working out over here in the morning, my mom and dad have been stressing how wonderful you are." Anya admitted, perking up Clarke's ears at the notion that she'd inexplicably won Anya's parents' approval despite having never actually met them. "I mean, I know that the hospital your mom works at keeps my mom on retainer, so there's already probably some sort of history and goodwill there, but still. If I have to sit through another fifteen minute conversation about how _'Columbia's such a strong school, Anya'_ , or _'why, Clarke must be so intelligent, Anya'_ , I'll probably slam my face into the nearest hard surface. No offense."

It was interesting to hear Anya gripe about her parents, particularly her impressions, but it was especially a relief not to hear even a tinge of bitterness in her words, just exhaustion. "None taken, but please don't rough up that pretty face of yours, even if your parents seem to love me from afar." She countered, laughing as Anya rolled her eyes. "Seriously, though, they'll probably ambush us on the occasional weekend. You'll get to see just how wild my mother can be, and I'm sure yours will have their expectations tempered once they learn I'm a real living person, flaws and all."

"Mmmh. I...hm..." Anya let out, aborting on whatever she'd considered saying, brow knitting in thought, body tensing up. Everything Clarke was reading off the other girl practically screamed hesitation as seconds ticked past, so she just waited it out. Hard as it was, as antsy as it made her, she needed to give Anya time and space. She had to be patient.

Eventually, Anya let out a sigh, head slumping forward ever so slightly, marring her previously pristine posture. "As much as I've enjoyed myself tonight...and I absolutely have...my parents are going to be insufferable over the next few months once they hear about tonight. And they will, Costia will tell them as usual." Anya spoke, barely louder than a murmur, Clarke needing to lean closer to completely hear her. "In high school, they'd keep prodding me to join the GSA, to make friends with you. When I told them I'm only into women, well...all they saw was that my options were narrowed, but they'd point at you. You were the brilliant daughter of Arkadia Medical Center's Chief of Surgery and the lead engineer in Sinclair Aeronautics, you were bisexual, you were friends with Lexa and Costia. When we began working out, it only intensified. I can't imagine what they'll say after tonight."

On one hand, it was amusing to hear how tenacious Anya's parents were at trying to pair them up. On the other hand, it must have been frustrating after what she'd done to Anya, and Clarke knew how exhausting parental meddling could be.

Still, it did give her a little hope. "They just want to know you're happy, princess. That's probably all it is."

"Well, consider it mission accomplished. At least for tonight, I suppose." Anya said, teeth gnawing slightly at the corner of her lip, and if Clarke hadn't been watching so closely, she might not have spotted the flicker of doubt in her eyes.

"And past tonight?" She knew maybe it was pressing, that maybe Anya wasn't ready to answer that question yet, but she couldn't help herself, not when she felt so close to some sort of breakthrough on understanding how Anya felt about her.

She'd had a lot of puzzle pieces up to then, but when Anya turned her head away, swallowing hard, letting out a breath that stuttered with defeat, that puzzle suddenly found itself taking shape into something she hadn't remotely seen coming.

"I've been having such a wonderful night, Clarke. I don't want to taint this fitting bookend to the first chapter of our lives. It wouldn't be fair to you." Anya spoke, her words only confirming what she'd quickly come to understand.

It was absurd, of course, but it also wasn't the sort of thing she could laugh off. Pet names would probably have to be held back for a bit too, reluctantly. "I've had fun tonight, too, but Anya...you know this isn't just some one-night thing for me, right?"

Anya's scoff came out sharp, sending a sudden tight pain in Clarke's chest at the brave face Anya plastered on. "Clarke, you're only _days_ away from being inundated with thousands upon thousands of peers who will have so, so much to offer. That's significant. Don't pretend it's not."

"Okay, it's true, we're moving in a few days and there'll be a lot of people our age. Lots to choose from. What of it? I like _you_. Don't sell yourself short." Clarke argued, taking some solace in how Anya's cheeks flushed slightly, in the tiny hint of a smile at the edges of Anya's lips.

"I know you like me, but you don't have to date me to prove anything. And I know I'm a catch, Clarke. I'm not selling myself short, I'm just being realistic. Dating me would complicate things. I'm almost certainly going to be out in New York. Anyone who's with me would have to deal with publicly dating a trans woman of colour and all the crap that can come along with it. It'd be a lot easier, and a lot less stressful to date someone else, not to mention I'm getting into the prestigious and entirely stable career of _writing_ , while you're on track to be a doctor. That's more than enough difficulty in your life without having to maybe worry about my prospects." Anya rambled, and Clarke had to admit that some of her points were entirely true and worthy of consideration.

She hadn't dated a trans person before, or known anyone who had. She'd seen comments online and on television targeted at trans folks and the people who loved them, though, and there was a disturbing amount of vitriol. Clarke hoped in New York, that things would be better than there in Arkadia, but it wasn't a sure thing. It could make her life a little more difficult, a little more stressful, certainly.

But Anya was worth it. All things considered, Clarke knew who she wanted to be with.

"I wouldn't be dating you to prove anything, or to satisfy any lingering guilt...I like you, Anya. And I know enough about what I'd be signing up for. Sure, there's infinite possibilities off in New York, but I see someone who I care about and want to have a relationship with, and she's sitting right next to me. She's passionate and intelligent, determined and kind, and so deeply beautiful. So all that potential doesn't matter, not when you're here." Clarke laid out her case, lifting a hand to gently bring Anya to face her again, to meet those soft amber eyes brimming with tears. "I want to date you, Anya. I want something with you that'll last, and I think we could. If you don't feel the same, then I'll respect that, I'll back off and keep working at being a better friend...but if you _do_? Then why couldn't we give us a chance?"

The feel of Anya ever so slightly leaning into her touch would have had her heart blooming if not for the tear track running down her left cheek. "And if I'm scared?"

"That's the only time we can be brave." She stroked her thumb across the girl's cheek.

A sharp laugh blurted out of Anya. "You're appealing to my pride and stubbornness."

"Maybe so. But...I just mean it's alright to be scared. And you'd have me to lean on, and all the other people in your life who love you. We can be brave together." Clarke asserted, shooting Anya a smile. "I love that big heart of yours. I want to keep it safe. And as much as all this change coming up scares me, it won't change that I'd fight for you. As a friend or a girlfriend, I'd be brave with you, Anya. And we can get through whatever we face."

Anya lifted a hand to cover the one caressing her cheek and leaned blatantly into her touch, letting out a soft sigh. "You can't be there every hour, Clarke. We'll be in dorms, we'll have roommates. We'll live on opposite ends of the island. We'll be busy."

"Of course we'll be busy, but we're only a half hour apart. We have phones, and Skype, and Discord. And you may live in a dorm with roommates...roommates who I hope will be good to you...but if you ever need an escape, I've got an apartment. If you ever need sanctuary, if you need alone time, it's yours. Even if we don't get together, the second bedroom is yours whenever you want it." Clarke countered, feeling a swell of confusion as Anya's features twisted.

"You got an apartment in _Manhattan_?" Anya asked, clear disbelief saturating her words.

Really, she could only shrug. She knew she was fortunate to be as well off as she was. "The interest I make in my trust fund every month is a little more than double what the rent would cost. My mom wants me to have somewhere I can escape to, free of the distractions of dorm life, so we got a good deal on a nice two bedroom place near Columbia. Not a huge amount of square footage, but one of the bathrooms has a big jacuzzi tub, and the other a really nice walk-in shower, and the kitchen's a good size and has a full oven and range. The second bedroom and closets aren't real big, but they're big enough. Got a gym across the road that's reasonably decent. Got a washer and dryer in the unit. It's a nice place. If you take the W from NYU up to Times Square and forty-second street, and then the three to a hundred and sixteenth street, you're practically at my doorstep in thirty minutes."

"You've really thought this through." Anya mused openly, practically emanating surprise and wonder, warm amber eyes searching her own.

"Well, summer's kind of boring. You're still bouncing around in my head most mornings after you leave, so I get to thinking. And maybe I get a little ahead of myself, but I try not to. I just figure...we'll both be in new environments, around new people, going to a new kind of school that's structured in a totally new way, and maybe having somewhere to go that's simpler, and more familiar...maybe that'd be good for us." She explained, Anya nodding along to her words.

"That...would make a lot of things about this coming year less intimidating. I promise I wouldn't stop by empty-handed, or without creating something. _I bake a lot_. Especially when I'm stressed." Anya started, seeming to think she'd have to do something to earn what Clarke had offered.

When, really, Clarke didn't exactly do incredibly well alone. Just having Anya near would be a huge help, although having someone to bake with would be a nice bonus. The art of pastries had always eluded her, but she was good with cobblers, cookies, and the occasional square so long as it was basic. "You wouldn't have to do any of that. I'd be happy enough just to have you around."

"Well, _tough_. I like to pitch in. If that means you head to study groups with a bag full of baked goods to hand out to your classmates, then you'll just have to deal with it." Anya shot back, eyes narrowing playfully as her lips stretched into a smirk.

As if she'd ever complain about being given tasty treats. "You realize that could single-handedly make me the most popular student in class, in all likelihood."

"Which might net you a few favors along the way, and help you attract good study partners. Make you friends. The works." Anya added airily, voice melodic as she removed Clarke's hand from her cheek and clasped it between both of her own. "I give back, Clarke. I do my part, or as much as I can. That's just who I am."

Clarke let out a sigh and nodded, wondering if she'd regret giving into Anya's stubbornness. "I know, I adore that about you. It's one of your many charms."

Anya let out a sound that seemed like a snort, but she'd never dare call her on it. "I'm sure."

"Come on, it is. Maybe not as charming as your smile, but there's a lot about you that draws me closer..." Clarke noted, holding eye contact in hopes of getting through Anya's thick skull that she was wholeheartedly into her. "...a lot that makes me want to hold your hand...that makes me ache to wrap my arms around you...that has me wasting whole afternoons thinking about what it'd be like to kiss you..."

"Clarke..."

She shook her head. "I'm just really into you, and you're so beautiful, but if you don't like me back, it's fine. I'll be more than happy to be..."

In a flash, Anya was there; hand against her cheek, lips pressing against hers in a rushed, clumsy gesture that had her heartbeat mimicking a stampede as she did everything she could to return her affections and remember each and every sensation. The kiss was sweet, tinged with the hint of lemonade as Clarke tasted her over and over, gently brushing Anya's arm, slowly running a hand over her hair and gradually helping Anya let go of her urgency. She wanted Anya to know she wasn't going anywhere, that they had time, that they could just enjoy the moment.

Thankfully, Anya seemed to hold the same sentiments, slowing her kisses to a languid pace, her touches gentle but deliberate rather than frantic and fleeting. Enough so that when Anya pulled away slightly to catch her breath, Clarke could cradle Anya's head in her hands and meet her gaze, giving Anya all the time she needed to drink in how excited and exuberant she was.

But maybe Clarke needed an extra moment or two to settle her heart at all the emotions Anya was practically glowing from.

"Wow." Anya let out breathlessly, staring at her like she'd just hung the stars in the sky.

It was more than a little overwhelming, but Clarke just swallowed the heart lodged in her throat and beamed back at the girl. "That's an understatement."

"I didn't make a fool out of myself, did I?" Anya asked, apparently taking her words the wrong way, concern quickly marring her features. "Because I don't have much in the way of experience, and you slowed me down, so I wasn't sure if you don't like it fast, or if maybe I was just a mess, or..."

Clarke crossed the final two or three inches and brought their lips together, swallowing Anya's words, letting her kiss linger until she could feel some of Anya's tension wash away. "You were wonderful, please don't second guess yourself. I just wanted to slow things down so we could ease into it and enjoy the moment."

"Well, I did enjoy myself tremendously. Kissing you was divine, Clarke." Anya whispered, Clarke's heart blooming at the sight of Anya smiling bright enough to light up the evening. "But...I'm too curious not to ask again...do you not like a faster pace? Should I avoid that in the future?"

Clarke rested her forehead against Anya's, grinning at how the girl's eyes went slightly crossed to hold her gaze, thrilled over Anya being excited for the future. "It's great when the occasion calls for it. We're at a party with over a hundred people, you're wearing an incredibly pretty dress, and a corset, and a petticoat, and your hair's gorgeous...and you're not some fling to me, you're someone I care about a lot. I'd love to kiss you hard and fast, Anya, but...not here, and not now."

"Are you saying I'm too well dressed to be ravished?" Anya asked with an easy laugh.

"I'm saying that if we'd been dating for a few weeks and I had permission, and we were alone here, and my hands were strong enough...I'd tear your dress and corset off and devour you. I need certain...well, _things_ , if I'm going to toss all my inhibitions aside, and when I do I feel a need to be close, I kind of do what I can to be skin to skin. Doesn't mean, you know, _sex_ , but I just need to be _close_." Clarke explained in a loose, clumsy ramble that had Anya's eyes twinkling with nearly enough amusement to look past how crimson-hued her cheeks were. "Anyways...what I mean to say is yes, I'm super attracted to you, and how you're dressed doesn't make me want to 'ravish' you less, it's just I'm not brainless, so I can control myself. And maybe tonight...in the garden, under the stars, maybe I felt a slower kiss would be more _romantic_ , too."

Anya's amused stare held as seconds ticked by, and maybe Clarke would be a little unnerved if Anya's thumb wasn't gently stroking at the crook of her neck. Honestly, she wasn't sure if Anya even noticed she was doing it, but it was soothing and just what she needed to calm her heart rate to a reasonable number.

"It's been a very romantic evening, Clarke. I'll certainly give you that." Anya admitted softly, sending her heart soaring at her success. Not only had she gotten to hold Anya, but she'd managed to kiss her and romance her.

The night wasn't even close to done, and she'd achieved nearly all her goals and more.

Still, there was one that she'd only received a non-verbal answer to that she really did need some clarity on. Clarke angled down for a quick kiss before getting up from the bench and walking over to the larger set of flowerbeds. With care not to disrupt the others, Clarke broke off a single daisy and returned to the bench, feeling her nerves escalate with each step no matter how much she called up the memory of their kisses, their words, to calm her heart.

"All I know is that I really like you Anya. Every step I've taken to regain your trust has only had me wanting to take another, to hurry, to get closer to you. I've really enjoyed our mornings together, and I've really liked spending tonight with you, and... _well_ , what I mean to ask is...will you be my girlfriend, Anya?" Clarke held out the flower to the girl who she'd been thoroughly enchanted by, her voice shaking, eyes brimming with tears of hope and fear.

Tears that spilled over as Anya gave a silent nod, taking the daisy and lifting it to her nose for a quick sniff before setting it aside. "I'd love to, Clarke."

Maybe it was a little childish to bounce on her toes in celebration, but she couldn't care, not when she was dating Anya, not when she had her first real girlfriend.

She hadn't noticed for the tears in her eyes, but Anya was suddenly right there, dabbing at her tears and kissing her wet, salty cheeks, and as much as she yearned to kiss her girl, she just desperately needed a hug. Which had her wondering if Anya was a mind reader when she was suddenly pulled into a delightful, cozy embrace, one arm snaking around her waist with the other hand cradling Clarke's head.

As much as she sank into Anya's arms, she was immediately reminded of her girlfriend's words from way back on their drive from the convention. How Anya yearned for contact. How maybe this was Anya feeling she might be able to freely seek it out now. First the kiss, now the hug.

Not that Clarke would want Anya to take all of the initiative.

She quickly wrapped her arms around Anya's waist and lifted her up, spinning her around, soaking in the absolute delight saturating Anya's bubbly laughter.

"Hey, there you two are! Lexa's been looking for you, we're hoping to grab some seats by the fire pit before it gets too crowded. Want to join us?" Costia called out from the garden's entrance, finally bursting the bubble they'd been living in for the past hour or so.

Clarke set Anya down, her girlfriend shooting her a soft smile before pulling away, doing a slow three hundred and sixty degree spin. It was cute, really, and had Clarke blushing.

Anya was writing their surroundings to memory, head soon tilting upwards to hopefully inscribe the sky to her long term storage. Anya wanted to remember.

Maybe a few years down the line, Clarke wouldn't recall what flowers her mother had planted, what amount of cloud coverage there was, the vines encroaching and wrapping around one of the footholds of the bench. No, that was a long shot, because she couldn't stop watching Anya.

Anya could remember the garden for the both of them. She was happy enough taking in the sheer bliss on Anya's face, the glee she exuded with every movement.

Because really, that's what mattered to her. It was the first time she really made Anya happy, and that was a milestone she'd never forget.

And if she was being honest, she had an inkling that she had a lot of those firsts in their future. She just had to be patient and take the next step with Anya as one, because together, Clarke was confident they could do just about anything.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last part! I hope you enjoyed this self-indulgent fluff-fest. Wasn't real sure how to end it exactly, so excuse the sort of meh finish :P

_Mid-December_

* * *

 

The beeping from the kitchen had Anya up and off the couch, scurrying over to the oven, tossing on her oven mitts and removing the final tray of gingerbread men. She'd been hard at work for the past few hours, baking up a storm for the evening's festivities.

It was hard to believe they were already through their first semester. An end of semester party was just what everyone needed to let the load off after the end of finals.

Honestly, December snuck up on the both of them, here before they even knew how to be ready for it. Anya thanked her lighter course load for her ability to be Clarke's rock through exams for the most part, having finished her finals a week prior to Clarke. Though as she set the tray down on the stovetop, she could practically hear Clarke's bed calling out to her, the comfy heavy-weight duvet nearly seducing her.

Anya shook the feeling off and got to transferring the cookies to the rack for cooling, knowing it was her last batch of the early afternoon, giving her plenty of time to decorate and prepare all of her goodies for a more fitting presentation. It was, after all, their first party. They'd mostly kept Clarke's living situation under wraps, to secure the solace and privacy they'd quickly come to adore in the bustling world of New York City, but they'd met a few great people, and it only felt right to let them into their inner sanctum, at least for a peek.

Besides, the more people to enjoy her festive decorations, the better. If only Clarke were on the same page with her about that. Apparently where she fixated on decor, Clarke was all about carols, which truly got so tremendously overdone as te holiday season stretched on.

She'd just taken the mitts off when she heard the door open, sending her heart fluttering as she rushed to the end of the kitchen and peered down the hall to the foyer. "How'd it go, darling?"

Clarke glanced up at her in the middle of removing her boots and shot her a grin. A weary, exhausted one, but a grin nonetheless. "Aced it."

Anya disappeared back into the kitchen and plated up a brownie square, still warm, and added a scoop of ice cream and a fork, returning to the kitchen entrance-way just in time to hand it to her girlfriend. "Congratulations on getting through your first semester, love."

"You're too good to me." Clarke murmured, leaning in to offer up a quick kiss that Anya had linger a few seconds longer than either of them maybe planned. "You must be exhausted. I thought you were coming by this afternoon."

"I wanted to get some baking in. Jinyu had a double load of finals today to finish up, and you said she liked my brownies last time, so I made some for her. And _you_ , of course." Anya explained, knowing Clarke always worried too much about her, even if she did kind of love it.

Clarke just rolled her eyes. "Okay, and you couldn't do that later this afternoon? You pulled an all-nighter Wednesday. You stayed up late last night helping me study. I told you to sleep in. Do you remember any of that, or was it all in my head?"

"For your information, I planned on taking a nap this afternoon while you were at the gym." Anya insisted as Clarke took a bite of her brownie. Watching her girlfriend, she could at least take satisfaction in that Clarke looked like she was about to melt just from that alone. "And I wanted to make sure I was here when you got back, so we could celebrate together. I wanted to be a good girlfriend."

Clarke swallowed the bite she'd been savoring and set the plate on the counter. "Princess, you're the best girlfriend, you've got nothing to prove." Clarke cupped her cheek, leaving Anya unable to keep from leaning into the comforting gesture. "You didn't have to doll yourself up for me, babe. And I'm not going to the gym today, I'm wiped. So if you're gonna nap, I want to nap with you."

"Hmm, well, you do know how much I adore your bed. I like the sound of that." Anya turned her face, pressing a kiss to Clarke's palm. "But I didn't get 'dolled up'. I didn't do anything special or out of the ordinary, I just look nice. I wanted to look nice for you, is that a crime?"

"Don't give me that, you're all poofy today. You only wear your super poofy stuff for special events." Anya let out a huff at the assertion, even if Clarke wasn't entirely wrong. She'd picked out an outfit she liked, but it wasn't all that special or expensive. She'd just wanted a little more shape for it today, and thought it looked nicer that way, and more fitting for a celebration, was all. Hardly 'dolling up' when she hadn't spent ages on her hair or makeup, either. "Anyways, you have nothing to prove. Everyone coming tonight's at least met you once before, and they all love you. Vivica swears up and down that your vegan snacks are the reason she got through intro to organic chemistry. The cake you made for Indra's birthday won you a lot of love, too, same with at Thanksgiving when Rico and Hasintha came in last second and you helped Juel and Denae whip something together to make sure everyone had enough."

It was Anya's turn to roll her eyes this time. "That's just food. It's not me."

"Okay, but look...most of them are my friends from school, people you've barely even met. We're _both_ busy. But you're always thinking of them, keeping track of them in your head, making time to make them things to help them through their days. People remember that. When someone's kind to you, they remember. It's not just the food, it's the care and the thought behind it that sticks. They're always asking about you, too, you know. So you don't have anything to prove with them, they _adore_ you." Clarke asserted, leveling her with a firm stare. "And you know I love you to the moon and back. You've been there for me and brightened my days too many times to count, princess."

All the praise was lovely, if a little overwhelming. Clarke was dramatic, as always, but even so many months later it still took a little bit of time to really adjust and not respond to her words with doubts or anything of the sort. As time passed, she did feel less of those doubts, thankfully, but they still lingered at the edges.

Anya exhaled through her nose and smiled as she stepped back. "Finish your brownie before it's a gooey pool, love." She turned towards the bowl of buttercream icing, figuring she may as well get started on the gingerbread cookies, but Clarke followed her, arms wrapping around her waist, lips pressing a kiss to her neck. " _Clarke_..."

"You don't get away that easy. You may be a future Emmy or Oscar-winning writer, but I'm the doodler here. You leave the cookie-decorating to me." Clarke noted, pressing another kiss up the column of her neck before gently prodding her off to the side.

"And what am I supposed to do? Stand around and look pretty?" Anya asked with a laugh, crossing her arms.

Clarke filled the piping bag and shot her an expectant stare. "Well, _obviously_. I mean, I'm the sugar mama, and you're my trophy wife, so we're a good pair." Despite the clear jest of it all, Anya's stomach fell, and with Clarke's sharp focus on her already, she couldn't hide anything from her girlfriend. "Hey, you know I'm just kidding right? You bring way more to the table, you know that."

"Do I? I just..." Anya let out before she could clamp down on her words, not wanting to burden Clarke any more than she already was. It was a stupid mistake, an incomprehensibly regrettable fuck up, and of course Clarke was like a shark in blood-infested waters, wading over to her.

"Columbia kicked my ass this year. I wasn't ready, I was overconfident, and I was a wreck by the end of the first month. Who reeled me in and helped me juggle it all?" Clarke asked, hands gently pressing at her cheeks, Clarke's nose bonking into hers as her girlfriend stepped deep into her personal space. Maybe she rolled her eyes, but it was only because she'd barely helped. She just re-organized Clarke's study schedule, helped direct her at-home study sessions, pushed her to attend office hours, and set appointments for Clarke to see a peer counselor to teach her how to adjust. It was hardly anything. "It was _you_ , you goober. And who was it who crammed my organic chem textbook alongside me all semester so I could get quizzed regularly on random shit before I managed to get a solid study group together?"

Anya lifted her hands to Clarke's, trying to carefully peel them away without any luck. "That was nothing. Anyone would do that."

"Not while they were juggling their own schoolwork, they wouldn't. You did your own, you helped me with mine, and you helped my friends. And you'd find time to go to the gym with me four days a week. And you'd be around most days to make sure I ate, and that I kept on top of things, and that I knew I was _loved_. And Anya...that made a _world_ of difference." Clarke pressed, those soft sapphires peering deep into her soul. "I promise you. I promise you are holding up your end and then some, okay, princess? You've burned the candle at both ends _all semester long_ for me, and I wouldn't have gotten through this without you."

"You would have, you know it." Anya countered, cocking an eyebrow in challenge.

Thankfully, Clarke could at least acknowledge that. "Yeah, fine. I would have _passed_ the semester. But not with a virtually perfect GPA. Not with my mental health intact." Clarke murmured, smiling as she leaned her forehead against Anya's, one hand drifting to the back of her neck. Clarke's light massage had a smile blooming on her lips, safety and affection filling her head for a brief moment before she could blink away enough of the haze. She adored Clarke's tendency for physical affection, but she really could be a bit of a cheat with it lately, sometimes. "Tell me how this story ends, Anya. Tell me what you're scared of, because I've got this relentless image riding in my mind that's so bright I can't fathom anything else. But you're clearly worried, so please, let me help. Let me see."

"What if I get too busy to pitch in with your studies, and to make you lunches and dinners, and to spend as much time with you and your friends?" She started, earning a nearly offended huff from her girlfriend.

"We're both gonna get busier. We'll cherish our time together, deal with problems, and move forward... _together_."

"What if I find work on the west coast before you're done here?" She added quickly.

Clarke just shrugged. "Then we make it work long distance until I can join you. But I'd be game for med school out west, you're not getting rid of me that easily." Her girlfriend lowered her other hand, wrapping her arm around Anya. "Babe, we could play 'what if' games for forever, but these absolutely aren't what's got you all bugged up. What are you scared of?"

Anya leaned into Clarke taking in her comforting scent, the same secure embrace she'd come to rely on. "We haven't had sex yet." Anya mumbled, the words escaping her before she had much time to think twice about them. Clarke's response was visceral, a sharp gasp escaping her as she gripped Anya tighter. She knew what was coming quick and decided to put a halt to it. " _Don't_. Don't say it doesn't matter, because it does. It _does_. And I love you and your patience, and honor, but it's not right to ask you to wait so long for me. It's not right that you're getting yourself off twice most days in the shower, and I can't even...while I'm just..."

Anya shrieked as she found herself unceremoniously lifted up by her thighs and planted onto the kitchen counter, Clarke's molten gaze raking over her body. "If you think there's anyone else in my head when I'm fucking myself into oblivion, princess, then maybe I haven't been clear enough."

She wanted to soak in Clarke's lust, wanted to let it all be, but she couldn't. Not knowing it was all just temporary, while the long term potential solution to her damned dysphoria was months away. "And how long'll that last? How long until I start to bore you? Until you _do_ feel ready, and I can't give you what you need? Until you stumble on someone that catches your eye out there enough to edge into your mind when you're...when you're _touching_ yourself? I'm getting surgery in mid-April, and there's pretty much a minimum three months recovery before I'll be ready, so that's _seven_ months. A lot can happen in seven months. And maybe you'll tire of taking care of me during recovery, maybe any scars I might have will turn you off, maybe..."

"Maybe you need to have a little more faith in me. In us." Clarke shot out, cutting her off as Clarke's hands dug into the tops of her thighs. "I'm not sex-crazed. I think more about cuddling with you than sex, but yeah. Yeah, sometimes hearing my friends talk about their sex lives gets me a little hot. Don't think it's not you I'm thinking of when I get off, or when I'm pent up. If I have to promise I'll fuck you with all my friends in hearing range when the time comes, I will. If I have to promise to fuck you so good that you waddle to school every day from the start of sophomore year until goddamn graduation, _I will_. I'm not going anywhere, I don't want anyone else, so _please_ , tell me what you need from me, baby."

Anya's mind was buzzing, head full of images as Clarke's promises. It was hard to concentrate, hard to think with Clarke so close, so beautifully confident, so inviting. Try as she might to push those fantasies away, the air around her was suddenly too hot, her core roiling and molten inside of her, eyes fixated on Clarke's lips. "I need you to promise...to..." She started, wetting her lips and fighting to suck in enough oxygen to stave off her lightheadedness.

"Yes? What do you need?" Clarke whispered, pressing a languid kiss to the corner of her lips, stealing her breath and the whimper from her throat.

"Clarke..." Her girlfriend's name escaped her like it'd been dragged out clawing and screaming, with the full knowledge of what her voice could spur in Clarke. Her darling always did get worked into a bit of a frenzy when Anya got needy in their make-out sessions.

The kiss was on target this time, drawing Anya in and swiftly escalating to a feverish exchange, Clarke drinking in her moans and mewls with each ounce of pressure, not even flinching as Anya clawed for purchase at her girlfriend's back. "Tell me..."

"...need you..." She let out between kisses, trying to answer, but Clarke was swallowing all her words and it was hard not to just give in and let Clarke devour her.

Clarke broke away from her lips abruptly, trailing kisses and bites down her neck, wrenching each sigh and cry with practiced precision. "Be a good girl and tell me, Anya..." Clarke growled, nipping harder just to the side of her jugular, leaving Anya heaving for breath and red-faced. She was a commute away from a change of clothes; everyone at the party would see just what Clarke did to her plain as day.

Anya wasn't sure how to handle the strange rush of excitement from that thought.  

Her girlfriend's nose trailed up the slope of her tender neck, Clarke's breath hot against her ear. "...because I see us twelve years down the road in Cali, married with two dogs and a kid on the way, so I need you to _tell me_ what I have to do to get us across the next seven months, baby. Let me do my share. Let me be strong for you."

The thought of them as married, as a family, had Anya breathless with desire as she yanked Clarke back up and surged forward into another kiss. She hadn't dared to even dream so far beyond the present, unsure if her girlfriend was truly in this for the long haul, but Clarke's words had immediately cemented that image into her mind.

Clarke wanted a life with her. Two puppers and a child.  Clarke saw that far into the future and wanted her help in getting there, so Anya would damn well do what she could to make sure they did.

"The _moment_ you're comfortable with me going down on you, please let me know, please...please, when you're ready, let me make you happy..." Anya murmured quickly once their lips parted, wanting to do everything she could to bridge that seven month gap, to keep Clarke satisfied and focused, to keep Clarke hers.

"Baby, I can wait if you want, I can. I want our first time to be special, to be together..." Clarke leaned her forehead against Anya's, both of them sharing the heated air. "You deserve the world. princess. I want to wait until you feel perfect, until you can come _with_ me."

Anya pressed her palm to Clarke's cheek, gently stroking it back and combing her fingers through her girlfriend's hair. She'd spent the past three months hearing Clarke insist that she wasn't ready for sex yet, either. She'd spent three months worrying about Clarke one day suddenly feeling the urge and her not being able to do anything about it; any time sex had been brought up, Clarke had talked about toys and strap-ons she wanted to use on Anya, and since she didn't feel comfortable receiving until she was post-surgery, that had made her more than a little worried about it all. She almost wanted to cry in relief, hearing Clarke was more worried about her feeling pleasure rather than being uninterested in other forms of sex with her.

"Darling, if that's all...if that's _all_ , then I swear to you, it'll still be special. My first time going down on you, pleasing you, loving you with my lips, and tongue, and fingers? That _will_ be special." Anya whispered, words tumbling slowly from her lips as she crossed her legs behind Clarke, securing her in place. "Same with the first time we have sex after my surgery, exploring my body completely and thoroughly for the first time. And the first time on the night of our engagement. And the first time after graduation. And the first time in our first home. And the..."

Clarke's low laughter had her abandoning the rest of her words, knowing she'd made her point. "Okay, _okay_. Are you sure about this? It won't be too much for you? It'll be enough for you? You know I'll wait as long as it takes."

For as intelligent as Clarke was, her adorable goober often had her wishing she could summon a throw pillow on demand to thwack her in the head with. Instead, all she had was leftover brownie batter, but it was thoroughly satisfying to dip her hand in it and lightly smack it across Clarke's cheek.

"I _love_ you." She spoke, killing the gasp in Clarke's throat. "I love you, and I won't get dysphoric so long as I'm clothed and tucked. I'm alright for whenever, love. And as you can see, I'm not afraid of a little mess."

"But what about you? What can I do to make this not feel _way_ unbalanced? I don't want you giving and giving and feeling like you're not getting anything, like you're not _worth_ getting anything." Clarke's thoughtfulness was always charming, and it was hard not to reel her girlfriend in for a lengthy kiss instead giving those soft blue eyes the answer they desperately needed.

"Make me a list." Anya added, bringing her arms up to wrap behind Clarke's neck. "Show me your fantasies. Be _detailed_. Treat them like promises and make me look forward to you keeping them. Heck, maybe tell me about them when I'm with you, on my knees with your back to the door, welcoming you home."

Clarke's throaty moan was music to her ears, the blue nearly disappearing from her girlfriend's eyes as they filled with lust. "You have no idea what you do to me, woman."

"Oh, I think I have an inkling." She smiled, brushing her nose down the slope of Clarke's.

Clarke angled closer, teeth catching Anya's lower lip, tugging at it for a moment before offering feather-light pressure at her lips. Such a tease. "Every time I come home and you come to kiss me in the foyer, looking all cute and excited, I just... _fuck_ , more times than not I get instantly wet just thinking about you kissing down my body and dropping to your knees, and...baby, that's my prime material. That's what gets me rushing into the shower."

Anya's eyes narrowed at the strain in Clarke's voice, certain Clarke was thrilled with the offer, but there was something else there. "You say that almost like it's a bad thing."

"I'm gonna spend way more time doing laundry is all. Thank goodness water's included in our rent." Clarke let out with a laugh, still leaving Anya clueless as to why for the laundry. Sure, oral looked like it could be a little messy, and she was aware that Clarke  could get abundantly wet when aroused, but with practice, Anya was sure it wouldn't be hard to minimize the mess if she wanted to. Clarke seemed to catch on to her confusion, redness blooming at her cheeks. "I, uh...it's why I do my thing in the shower. I squirt a lot. I mean, I get really wet to begin with, you know that already, but I uh...yeah. _Yeah_."

Anya blinked at the new information and nodded slowly. "I suppose I'll be washing the floors more often as well, then, love. Something I'll happily do, if it lets me know all of you."

"Speaking of..." Clarke added, taking a deep, calming breath, her slow exhale leaving Anya curious. Clarke generally didn't feel the need to control her emotions around her. She wasn't sure whether to be concerned or intrigued. "...Anya, baby? I was wondering if...well..."

Clarke averted her gaze, clearly having trouble, but Anya chased Clarke's focus, angling her body to the side and back into Clarke's field of vision. "Darling, I'm here. I love you. You can ask me anything."

"Willyoumoveinwithme?"

The words were spoken so swiftly, so quietly, that she needed to take a moment to decipher the mess of syllables. Even after she did, Anya wasn't sure she'd heard right, because she did, after all, have a dorm on NYU's campus that was bought and paid for. While there weren't any mandatory bed checks to ensure she used her dorm, it'd be a bit of a waste not to. Not to mention its proximity to her classes.

But still, she spent so much of her time away from it because of her abrasive roommates, and taking the late buses back some nights was a drag. And the nights she'd sleep over were followed by early mornings taking transit back down south to her classes. Given that she came to Clarke's essentially every day, she'd simply be shifting her transit schedule around, not really adding too heavily to the burden. Maybe a few extra trips a week.

And most importantly, it always felt better being near Clarke. Not just sleeping, though that was an exponentially easier and more restful experience than back in her dorm, but just having Clarke around tended to get Anya into a lighter mood, made her feel more energetic, and did wonders for her anxiety. Having to head back to her dorm, knowing she had a long night of lying awake in bed missing Clarke's gentle weight, her soft snoring, was always pretty depressing.

"I know it's a lot to ask, and I know you hate waste, so you don't have to. It's just you love it here, and I love having you here, and we could turn the second bedroom into a study room, a quiet space for you to write in, whatever you want. And I promise, anything you want to bring in..." Clarke started up, apparently taking her momentary slip into thought as uncertainty.

Which honestly wasn't the case. " _Darling_." The pet name stole Clarke's complete focus, those big blue eyes boring into her with so much hope shining back at Anya. "Yes."

"Yeah? You _will_?" Clarke's smile bloomed into this bright, giddy, entirely goofy grin. Before Anya knew it, Clarke had pulled her off the counter and was spinning her around. "Thank you thank you thank you!"

She waited until Clarke set her down to catch her breath and go over the necessities. "You will, of course, pay my fare if ever I'm late for classes or need to rush over to campus."

"Consider it done." Clarke agreed with a nod, that adorably ridiculous expression still beaming back at her.

"And you're the one that's hauling my clothes to the dry cleaners." Anya added quickly.

"I expected no less. I'll foot the bill, too." Clarke insisted, eyebrows rising in challenge when Anya went to object. "No, _no_ , you're paying extra money to commute, and spending extra time on transit if you'll be living here. We need to balance things out, so I'm paying your laundry. I know you don't like sitting on the subway or bus every day, and your time is precious, so I'm gonna treat it that way."

Anya rolled her eyes, knowing Clarke could afford it, but it still made her a little uncomfortable that the financial disparity between them would become even more contrasted than it already was. "All this just so I could be home to greet you at the door?"

"I told you, you don't know what you do to me." Clarke shot back with a laugh, pulling Anya up against her. Her girlfriend's mouth opened, Clarke's face twisting with worry and no small amount of shame, which immediately had alarms ringing in Anya's head. "But in all seriousness, I just...I get lonely when you're not around. It's always better with you here, and I sleep better when you're in my arms, and I think clearer with you around to motivate me, and I just...I love you, and I want to get used to living together full-time. We're already close to it, we just spend a lot of nights alone, and...yeah. I miss you, and I don't want to have to spend another night without you if I can help it."

"Then you _won't_. I'm here." Anya murmured, leaning in to flutter a trio of kisses across Clarke's lips. "You might kick me all night in bed, but I miss you too when I'm away. Every night apart feels worse than the last and I didn't want to seem clingy and needy and bring it up, but love, I feel the same. Please don't feel embarrassed."

Clarke's arms wrapped tight around her, her girlfriend slumping forward and exhaling a heavy sigh into her neck. "I just get a little embarrassed thinking how everyone will tease us when we head back to visit for the holidays. I'm such a sappy cheese ball with you, and they'll be so obnoxious about it all."

" _Please_. Lexa and Costia are practically made of sugar, they're so sweet. They'd be hypocrites. Whereas I have enough dirt on both Octavia and Lincoln to keep their teasing to a minimum." Anya felt Clarke relax a little against her, letting her hold Clarke a little more snug without worrying about discomfort. "But I can't promise anything with that Raven girl. She'll most likely be relentless from what you tell me. Do you think if I baked something for her, it'd help?"

"Raven would do anything for a good cherry pie. But she'd also use it as an excuse to fire innuendo our way and tease the hell out of us, so yeah. She'll be insufferable." Clarke answered, letting out a thoughtful hum. "I already bought her Christmas gift, but maybe I could leverage it? I could always buy an enormous dildo and give that to her instead if she acts up too much."

The idea was preposterous, but something told her Raven would appreciate the gesture. "There's the brilliant mind I know and love."

"Quiet, you." Clarke laughed, smiling against Anya's neck. "I'll decorate the cookies and get everything into the fridge. Why don't you go prep for our nap and get the bed all toasty?"

Just the thought of the bed had Anya letting out an airy yawn. "I'll wash up first, but yeah, that sounds nice." Anya noted as she approached the sink. "But keep in mind, I remember how many cookies I made. I'll expect there to be just as many when the party starts."

"But baaaaaaabe..."

Anya peered over her shoulder at Clarke's pout, willing herself not to give in as she scrubbed her hands clean. "You have a brownie and some mostly melted ice cream. Eat that instead. Top it with fresh ice cream. The cookies are for our guests...and maybe use my list of decorating ideas? You may be the doodler, love, but I want everyone to have a unique cookie that reflects them in some way."

"I'll make sure of it. And I promise not to get greedy." Clarke held out her pinkie, eyebrows raised in expectation that Anya would follow suit.

She rolled her eyed as she toweled her hands off, but crossed over to Clarke and linked pinkies. After all, she had a deep appreciation for Clarke's adorable side, especially when Clarke wasn't being intensely obnoxious at the same time. "Thank you." She whispered, leaning in to press a lingering kiss to Clarke's cheek.

At that, Anya made her way to the living room and reached behind her for her dress' zipper, taking care to lower the finicky little thing and loosen her dress. It took a few moments, but before long she was carefully draping the garment across the top of the loveseat and making sure it wouldn't crease, adding her petticoat moments later.

"Uh...Anya?" She heard Clarke call out from the kitchen, but she had a goal in mind.

Generally, she slept in her own clothes when she was over, but having not brought a change of clothes with her for the first time, she decided something of Clarke's would do. Like the discarded Columbia U hoodie that hung carelessly off the arm of the recliner.

Anya slipped on the hoodie, a happy hum escaping her at its thickness. It'd definitely do to keep her warm. When she turned her focus to her girlfriend, Clarke was staring owlishly back at her, cheeks all rosy and red. She'd never really felt sexy at all in a hoodie or any workout clothes before, but with the sheer heat of Clarke's stare, it was probably the closest she'd come to feeling it.

"Don't be long, darling." Anya bit her lip, not having meant for her voice to sound so velvety smooth, and by her girlfriend's dropped jaw, neither had Clarke. "I'll try to stay up for you, but I make no promises..."

She turned on her heel and made her way into Clarke's bedroom. Or, well, their bedroom, now; she hadn't expected it to feel different, but from the moment she flopped down onto the fluffy duvet, it felt like home. More than her dorm had ever been.

Anya kicked off her heels and crawled up towards the headboard, set her favourite elcor off to the side, and got under the covers, taking her usual side of the bed and snuggling in for a solid nap. She could hear the clatter in the kitchen, Clarke almost assuredly rushing her way through the cookies. Which, well, it'd still be much, much better than just about anyone else could do in a reasonable time frame, as Clarke's talents absolutely translated to icing cookies.

How long it was until Clarke arrived, Anya wasn't sure, the comfort of the bed quickly eliminating all sense of time for her as she drifted towards slumber. It was the sound of Clarke's stereo system suddenly playing festive music that alerted Anya to the fact that she had company, giving her a second or two notice before her girlfriend crawled into bed and pressed a soft, gentle kiss to her nose.

As much as she yearned for rest, she always loved their quiet little moments alone in bed.

"Carols? Really?" She mumbled, pressing a kiss to Clarke's nose in turn before rolling onto her side to let her girlfriend be the big spoon.

"Deal with it, princess. It'll turn to something louder and more obnoxious when it's time to get up." Clarke laughed, arms wrapping around Anya's waist and holding her snug. "To think, half a year ago, we were fighting about who'd get to have the bed. Now we're having our first night in our own bed. Time flies."

It really was a little wild how much things had changed, but Clarke had put in a tremendous amount of work. And Anya, in turn, had worked her butt off to conquer her fears and insecurities alongside her.

They'd earned this blissful state of being, and with any luck, Clarke's postcard fantasy would come true in time.

"That it does, my love. But right now, let's just enjoy the moment."

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of an older work in progress that's sat around unfinished for ages. I’ve added onto it semi-recently, and just finished it yesterday, but it’s kind of aged. I used parts of it for inspiration in other fics I’ve published since, and I don’t feel like rewriting those parts, so there might be some familiarity for those of you who have read other clanya fics of mine.
> 
> It’s also a wip I wrote as a sort of…form of escapism? I mean, to some extent, I put bits and pieces of myself in my fics and play things out in another world, and that’s cool, but this one was more cathartic in purpose, more direct in what I projected into it and wrote it for. I’ve got a decently long history of people who were supposed to care about me ending up hurting me, and never feeling like they did anything wrong, blaming me for being hurt, continuing to hurt me, etc.
> 
> Sometimes I think about what it could be like, if someone who caused harm like that cared enough to listen, and learn, and become safer. Not just for those they harmed, but others related to that harm. A bit of escapism, a fantasy of sorts, to imagine that sort of situation, where someone who caused harm could turn things around and become better, safer for the person they harmed, to care about their wellbeing, to care about learning how to avoid causing harm. And because I can’t help but write romance, it’s also that, and a bed-sharing fic, and a bunch of other fluff. 
> 
> I touched on this overarching theme a bit in ‘Looking for the Magic’, and that theme continues here. I started both stories around the same time, not having been sure which route I wanted to approach the theme through. Ultimately, I ended up kind of writing both, even if each has their own differences in ways. 
> 
> I'll be posting this in 7 pieces, just spacing things out. It's finished, so it'll all be posted by the end of next weekend. No need to worry about being left hanging
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for reading!


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